Thanks to Meerkat for helping with the translation
Beyond Love
[Yeah. Next time, when I have time. It was nice talking to you after so long! See you.]
I touch the end call button on my smartphone and can’t help but sigh. I sit down on the bed, feeling a bit lost. Happy… huh? A wry smile escapes at the empty social courtesy.
A middle school classmate. Well, we weren’t particularly close. We weren’t even in the same class.
Until today, we hadn’t really had any contact or interaction. But–.
“Did I really have this many acquaintances?”
I have quite a few friends and get along well with my classmates, but there’s still a limit. At least, the person I was just talking to doesn’t fall within that category.
“They say when you win the lottery, you suddenly get more acquaintances.”
It’s a famous rumor from long ago. And probably true. There are famous stories of people winning large sums and suddenly having unknown relatives appear or getting calls from long-lost acquaintances.
I see, it matches my current situation. This must be what human value is about.
Recently, I’ve been getting more calls from former classmates and acquaintances, both male and female. Sometimes I can’t match faces to names and have to check the graduation album.
It’s rather materialistic, but it’s because the value of me, Shiori Kamishiro, has increased.
I appear attractive to others. It’s too embarrassing and presumptuous to admit it myself, but objectively speaking, that’s the only way to see it. Value is determined by others.
What we can decide for ourselves is how to live a valuable life. But that value is determined by those around us.
If being attractive to someone is what determines a person’s value, then maybe I should be honestly happy that I’m seen that way.
“I’m just a façade, a piece of papier-mâché… aren’t I?”
If this value was something I had built up myself, maybe I could be confident about it.
But it’s not. This temporary value feels uncomfortable and burdensome.
Before I knew it, Yuki had become an influencer. Following Yuki’s lead, not just me, but Mihō-kun and others too, we all started experiencing various things. Collaborating with companies, shooting commercials, everything was fresh and full of first-time experiences. This might be the most memorable summer of my entire life. It was fun, dazzling, and brilliant.
“But — that’s not me.”
You could say I’m just an extra to Yuki. Illuminated under his light.
Receiving benefits, enjoying profits, hiding behind his prestige. Just a tiny existence.
Because I haven’t done anything myself. Every time someone says, “Shiori-chan, you’re amazing!” Every time I receive admiring glances, I want to look away. From my own worthlessness.
“Wow. Yuki is really something.”
I look at Yuki’s photo saved on my smartphone. Expressionless, but dignified.
I feel awe. And at the same time, I become aware of my own emptiness.
I asked Yuki. “Can’t I make you happy?”
Yuki couldn’t answer that. But maybe I already knew the answer.
— That’s why I asked, feeling anxious. And Yuki’s silence was the answer.
I can’t make Yuki happy. That’s the reality.
The immense value Yuki has built up. The empty value of me who has done nothing.
How could someone like me make Yuki happy?
“…I can’t, not as I am now.”
Even if Yuki accepted my confession, if things stay as they are, I might eventually break down from feelings of inferiority. Because I myself think I’m not worthy.
It’s not an equal relationship; I’m just being protected. I’ve forced an unpleasant role onto Yuki.
My confession was rejected. I understand that it’s Yuki’s kindness.
That’s why I can’t give up. Because I haven’t been able to make Yuki happy.
We’re not on the same playing field yet. This is an unfair match. I’m just a spectator watching from outside.
“But I don’t want to remain a supporting character.”
I’ll step onto the main stage. With shaking legs, but with courage, to become a main character.
To live a life of value, I’ll hold my head high. A surge of energy bubbles up inside me.
I’m not at the right level yet. To be a partner walking together in this world.
“I’ll search. I’ll find my own value–“
To take a step towards the wider world, I turn my gaze away from Yuki’s back.
READ THE ORIGINAL TRANSLATION AT gadgetizedpanda.net
“Whew, it’s so hot!”
Fanning myself with my hand, I wipe away sweat with a towel.
As I leave the gym after club activities, the sunlight seems to be waiting to sap my energy.
While I’m not obsessed with having fair skin, I’ve started to care about beauty like anyone else. Peeling, damaged skin doesn’t look good. Not wanting to be seen like that by the person I like is a delicate wish of a young woman. I head towards the school gate while applying sunscreen from my bag.
“Ah, wait! Kamishiro-san!”
Someone calls out to me from behind. When I turn around, it’s Suzuki-senpai from the second year chasing after me.
“…You’re alone today, huh?”
“I’m out right? A slider to the outside corner after two strikes. A strikeout.”
“Just because you’re on the baseball team doesn’t mean you have to use baseball metaphors…”
“Sorry. It was so on the mark, it felt like a leadoff home run in the first inning.”
He’s failing at showcasing his personality, but I didn’t say that out loud. He’s a slightly awkward person to deal with.
I rejected his confession. Even if I don’t feel guilty, I can’t help but be conscious of it.
“I thought I might lack individuality compared to him.”
“That’s pointless, senpai.”
There was no need to ask who he meant; it was obvious.
“Yeah, about that, I wanted to apologize to you, Kamishiro-san.”
“Apologize?”
Senpai doesn’t seem to think very highly of Yuki. Remembering their previous clash, my body tenses up. Originally, it was my problem. I hesitated to involve Yuki, who had nothing to do with it.
“I’m sorry about last time!”
Contrary to my tense expectations, senpai bowed his head vigorously. It deflated my tension.
“Um, please raise your head!”
To my bewilderment, senpai scratched his head apologetically.
“He was right. Even if I didn’t mean to, it’s just an excuse. Surrounding someone in a group and pressuring them like that, I can’t argue if someone calls it lame.”
Suzuki-senpai is expected to be the next ace of the baseball team. That’s about all I know about him, and we’re not particularly close or have exchanged many words. But seeing a senior who can reflect on his actions and sincerely apologize to an underclassman like this, frankly, was admirable.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it as sarcasm–“
“I know. Don’t worry about it.”
Suzuki-senpai wiped his sweat with a towel, smiling wryly. The baseball team has quite a few members.
To be the ace among them requires real skill. Until now, I didn’t have a very good impression of him, but I was reconsidering my opinion of a senior who could bow his head to an underclassman.
“Do you like him, Kamishiro-san?”
We continue our conversation as we walk to the parting point.
“Yes. …But I was rejected.”
Suzuki-senpai seemed surprised, as if it was unexpected.
“As enviable as a left-handed starting pitcher who can throw genuine fastballs. What a waste.”
Suzuki-senpai told me he’s a right-handed pitcher and batter. I learned some unnecessary information.
I see. I don’t know anything about senpai. Come to think of it, until now, whenever someone confessed to me, I rejected them without even trying to get to know them. Rather, I might have been using it to appeal to Yuki. It’s selfish and shallow. I decided to ask senpai a question.
“Senpai, would you have confessed to me even if you weren’t the ace?”
“Well…”
It might have been a mean question. But I wanted to ask. It was necessary.
Just loving each other isn’t enough for things to work out. When you’re young, it might be fine, but if someone proposing marriage was unemployed, anyone would think it’s difficult to build a family with a partner lacking financial stability. That’s why if you’re seriously considering marriage, it’s common sense to appeal to the other person by getting a job or something similar. You need the confidence that you can make the other person happy, and you need to increase your own value.
If senpai confessed to me because he had gained the value of being the ace, there must have been his relentless effort behind it. Even so, it doesn’t mean I can accept the confession, but it’s not right to callously reject it without consideration.
“That’s not it, Kamishiro-san! I wasn’t thinking that the ace me could easily win you over or anything. It was the third-year second baseman, that jerk, who said you seemed easy–“
Suzuki-senpai’s flustered explanation took me by surprise.
“It’s okay, I’m not bothered by it!”
To not shame Yuki, to be proud of myself.
“Thank you for liking me. But, I’m sorry!”
This was the proper answer I gave, facing Suzuki-senpai. One of the kindnesses Yuki taught me.
“This is troublesome… I might have liked you even more. Like a premium leather baseball glove.”
Senpai’s expression was bright, and he seemed somewhat happy.
“Suzuki-senpai, you’re really unique!”
“Really!? That’s the first time anyone’s said that.”
“Hahaha!”
I’ll do my best too, Yuki!
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