Thanks to Meerkat for helping with the translation
Chapter 5: “The Savior”
(…Not having to ride a packed train, that alone would be fortunate)
While riding the train, I absentmindedly think such thoughts. The unpleasant pressure coming from all directions.
That said, there’s no point in lamenting. Probably all the passengers share the same sentiment.
Since I have lectures starting from first period at university, I’m commuting by train from morning like this. Depressing time.
Even so, I’m blessed being nothing more than a carefree university student. If I wanted to skip lectures, I could just skip them. I have that much leeway. Once I become a working adult, that won’t be the case.
I can only purely respect the people who commute while being exposed to such tremendous stress.
In a way, that might be what becoming an adult means. Then, in this gap before that, what kind of existence am I, who can be called neither adult nor child, but something in between? Such trivial thoughts come to mind. The time I can immerse myself in this moratorium won’t last much longer.
(When problems are solved, I worry about having solved them)
I’m seized by a vague anxiety as if there’s a pitfall somewhere. Things are going too well.
Without needing to look back, my life as Ninomiya Mio has been going smoothly overall up to this point. I’ve just made the biggest decision of my life, but whether I succeed or fail, I believe it will become nourishment for myself.
But things won’t turn out badly. I had such a premonition. Because Yukito-kun is there.
Though he’s younger, there’s an incomparable difference in life experience. A slight bit of jealousy.
Tristy was also troubled. After graduating high school and entering university for now, what comes next? Employment? Marriage? The first time facing anxiety about the future. A voyage without a map.
Living smoothly and efficiently up until now, I can’t help but think of myself as superficial.
The stress I feel as a carefree female university student is at most this packed train.
Once my job is decided, all that’s left is to spend time safely until graduation. If I can move into the apartment that’s currently being planned, it’s a two-minute walk to the office downstairs. No need to commute.
The setup is too perfect, making me somehow anxious. Am I just being penny-pinching?
I haven’t suffered enough. I feel anxious that someday I’ll have my feet swept out from under me spectacularly.
(…This is all Yukito-kun’s fault)
A younger boy who’s always carefree yet reliable. That’s precisely why I shouldn’t depend on him, I’ve come to think recently. He might be a negative example. When I’m spoiled by him, I feel like I’m becoming a worthless person. So naturally, my spirit of independence is encouraged.
(That’s right. I’m older, so I should be the one spoiling him instead. …Hm? That child)
A girl was standing where my gaze fell. I don’t know her, but I recognize the uniform.
(…Is she feeling sick?)
Her complexion is completely pale. She might be feeling unwell from the stress of the packed train. There are still several stations until the high school that girl attends. At this rate, she might vomit inside the train.
The train decelerates and arrives at the platform. While being pushed by the flow of people, I grabbed the girl’s hand and jumped out onto the platform. The girl blinks her eyes, looking shocked.
I smile wryly. Being able to meddle like this is, after all, because I have the luxury to do so.
“I’m sorry. You were surprised, weren’t you? But you looked like you were suffering so much.”
A man in a suit hurries past at a quick pace. In the midst of the commotion, the two of us sit down on chairs installed on the platform. During the busy early morning, few people leisurely rest in a place like this.
“Would you like some water?”
“Um…”
Without waiting for an answer, I buy water from a vending machine. When I hand it to her, the girl obediently accepts it.
The wave of people quickly settles down, and the platform regains its momentary silence until the next train comes.
“When you’re feeling sick, coffee isn’t good. It has caffeine in it.”
“I don’t drink it much.”
“Is that so? Well, I can’t handle black coffee either.”
Trivial conversation. She seems to have calmed down a bit, but her complexion remains poor.
“If you’re feeling unwell, you don’t have to push yourself, right?”
“…I’m just a little sleep-deprived.”
“That’s fine then.”
The conversation cuts off easily, and silence continues. It’s an awkward time, but I resign myself to it.
(Of course she’d be wary)
Holding the plastic bottle, the girl looks down. Being kind to people isn’t necessarily always goodwill. It wouldn’t be strange at all if she’s afraid that I might try to recruit her for religion or sell her informercial products next. She’s only putting up with me because I’m the same gender. If this were a man of the opposite sex, she would have run away immediately. I would do the same.
“That uniform, it’s Shouyou High School, right?”
“Are you a graduate?”
Perhaps having gained some interest, the girl looks up.
“A friend? Owner? …Whatever, but I have an acquaintance who goes there.”
“…I see.”
The conversation breaks off again. Still, perhaps her wariness has diminished just a little.
“Something troubling you?”
The girl’s body jumps with a start. Easy to read. But even if it’s correct, it’s a heavy burden.
“It’s nothing like that…”
She shakes her head in denial. This is the limit of a meddling old lady. Nobody wants to confess their troubles to a complete stranger. Even if they did confess, there’s nothing I could do about it.
“Is time okay for you?”
“Me? I still have time. Besides, I’m a carefree university student.”
“…University student.”
I’m pleased that she talked to me, but I wonder if she has some thoughts about university students.
It doesn’t seem like she’s cutting it close either; she appears to have a little time to spare.
“…Will I be able to go to university?”
I heard a faint voice like someone confessing to God. She grips the plastic bottle weakly.
“You don’t have to bear it alone.”
“–But!”
I gently rub her back. It’s impossible. I can’t get deeply involved in this. People’s circumstances are varied. Whether it’s academic ability, money, or family relationships, from her serious appearance, I realize my own lack of capability.
(Yukito-kun, I’m sorry! Next time, I’ll listen to any request you have!)
Things that would be impossible for me, surely he could at least help with. The reassurance of a counselor. Just talking with Yukito-kun makes you feel better, and problems move toward resolution.
“You know, if there’s something troubling you, why don’t you try consulting with an acquaintance of mine?”
“…Consulting?”
“So please don’t think about anything that would ruin your own life.”
“–!”
The girl’s eyes widen. This child is exhausted. So much so that she might end her life at any moment.
Ah, I’ve completely passed the buck. I’m sorry, Yukito-kun!
“Akari, you’ve looked pale lately, are you okay? Is your period heavy or something?”
“…I’m fine. Thank you.”
To my friend Kotone, who calls out to me with concern, I force an ambiguous smile.
“Well, if you say so. You were late getting to school today too, are you really okay?”
“Yeah. Sorry for worrying you.”
Kotone was the first friend I made after entering school. The first one I made after turning sixteen.
It seems I’ve been causing her quite a bit of worry. I vaguely recall this morning’s events.
(As if I could possibly consult anyone…)
When I heard the name, my heart started pounding rapidly. They say the number of heartbeats in a lifetime is predetermined. If so, I even think my lifespan might already be wearing thin.
She was a kind woman. Why she knows Kokonoe Yukito, I don’t understand, but she told me that if I consulted with him, things might move in a good direction. That can’t be true.
Useless advice. Just wasteful interference that wasted time.
(Because that guy–)
That guy saved me at the sea… Maybe he’s different from back then. If so, then all the more, the foolish acts I’ve committed up until now are unforgivable. It’s gone beyond a dimension where it can be dismissed as a joke.
(…What if I get expelled?)
Not only what I did to Kokonoe Yukito, but the images I sent to Sanjoji-sensei could easily become a police matter. No, without even thinking about it, that’s surely what will happen.
There’s a possibility that Sanjoji-sensei has already consulted the police. If so, it’s only a matter of time before the police come to me. But it was something I did because I was threatened by Okamoto Kazuhiro.
However, it’s doubtful whether such an excuse would work. At least regarding Kokonoe Yukito, it was something I did of my own will, and it’s obvious at a glance from my exchanges with Okamoto Kazuhiro.
If it comes to light, I’m finished. I’ll lose my parents’ trust and won’t be able to go to university.
And I feel disgusted with myself for falling into such thoughts. An ugly monster full of self-preservation.
What I’m worried about is ultimately my own future, with the victims being an afterthought.
The words that onee-san said to me this morning on the station platform kept spinning around in my head.
(Why was I doing things that would ruin my own life…)
At first, it was just a playful prank. I hit it off with Okamoto Kazuhiro and wanted to trip up Kokonoe Yukito, who stood out in various ways – that was the plan. If I had stopped there…
In elementary school, after the truth came out, I spoke to Kokonoe Yukito several times. I said terrible things and did terrible things. Being aware of that, I tried to be friends with him again by reaching out, but that guy coldly rejected my goodwill. Thinking about it now, it was completely misplaced resentment. Absolutely getting what I deserved. Yet at the time, I was angry at his attitude.
It wasn’t just me. The entire class, also feeling guilty, was making efforts to reach out. It was Kokonoe Yukito who cut that off. In the end, the class never recovered after that.
(It’s only something from the past… I should have left it forgotten)
But such things are now nothing more than old stories from the past. While I might reminisce about memories, there was no need to dig them up. I destroyed my peaceful school life with my own hands.
The accumulated resentment that Okamoto Kazuhiro harbored. I underestimated his twisted emotions.
For Okamoto Kazuhiro, Sanjoji-sensei, Kokonoe Yukito, and even we were all enemies. I realized this fact too late. By the time I noticed, I was knee-deep in mud.
For me, Sanjoji-sensei was a strict but kind homeroom teacher. Certainly, she made mistakes in her response. Even so, she was desperately trying to fulfill her duties. She bowed her head and apologized to us many times.
I should have remembered that figure, so how could I do such cruel things?
I never thought I’d meet her again after becoming a high school student. She doesn’t notice me with my changed surname, but I don’t intend to introduce myself either. For both parties, it’s probably a memory we want to forget.
Yes, that was fine. I never intended to disturb the balance!
Occasionally seeing Sanjoji-sensei’s pained expression makes my chest ache. The magnitude of the sin I committed.
What immoral teacher. Sanjoji-sensei isn’t that kind of person. I fabricated crimes and created false charges.
Extremely malicious demonic deeds. I should have refused Okamoto Kazuhiro’s orders. No, I should have simply consulted someone. –There were countless moments when I could have held back.
“–Akari, Akari!”
“Eh?”
Before I knew it, Kotone was peering at me. My best friend’s face, blurred and swimming.
“Akari, are you crying?”
Startled, I touch my cheek with my hand. Before I knew it, tears had spilled over.
“My eyes are itchy from pollen…”
I regret it as soon as I say it. Such a clumsy lie won’t fool Kotone.
“Is it something you can’t tell me?”
I’m at a loss for words. Kotone’s kindness gouges at my heart. I can’t consult anyone.
“Sorry, I’m sorry!”
Tears overflow. My mental state was at its limit. I couldn’t bear it anymore either.
Kotone gently embraces me as I sob. The classmates buzz about what’s happening, but I don’t have the luxury to care. Right now, I don’t deserve to be treated kindly.
If I get expelled, I’ll lose the time to spend my high school life with Kotone too. I’m aware that I’ve done enough to deserve that, and I feel like I’m being crushed. I wanted to scream for help. I wanted to rely on someone.
But there can’t be such a convenient story. There’s no one anywhere who would help me–.
Invited by Kotone, I leave the classroom. In a place where no one else is, I finally confessed everything.
Kotone listened silently. I disappointed her. It wouldn’t be strange if she hated me.
“Hey, Akari. What you need to do first is–“
The long-standing issue of not having an event to participate in at the sports festival has finally reached its conclusion.
What I’ll be participating in is the legendary competition that has finally been revived this year: the bread-eating race.
“Looks like the specifications are going to change quite a bit.”
“From anpan to croissants?”
“It’s probably not that kind of change.”
It’s been several years since the bread-eating race was abolished from Shoyo High School’s sports festival, but it remained persistently popular, and its revival was eagerly anticipated. Looking back at the records, it was last held four years ago.
For its revival, they can’t just use the same rules as before, so considerable regulation changes are being considered. However, no matter what rules they come up with, I can’t afford to lose in the bread-eating race. I feel a strange sense of responsibility. Oh, Goddess-senpai said she’s participating too.
As expected, the bread-eating race is a popular event. Come at me with melon bread or French bread!
“I’m thinking, aren’t we the only ones practicing for the cavalry battle?”
“Listen here, Light Energy Drink. Cavalry battle isn’t sweet enough to win without practice.”
Inside the classroom, notebooks are spread out on desks, simulating how each cavalry unit will move in the cavalry battle. The rules are battle royale style, with groups of four clashing against each other, but naturally they’re divided into strong cavalry units centered around sports club members and ordinary cavalry units. Speaking of this class, the refreshing handsome guy’s cavalry would be our maximum fighting power. However, no matter how strong they are, they can’t charge in alone.
So what I came up with was a triangular (△) formation with the refreshing handsome guy’s cavalry at the apex.
Always moving in a triangle formation, the refreshing handsome guy strikes once then immediately retreats. We lure the enemy and draw them into the center of an inverted triangle (▽), then crush them from three directions. This way the enemy has to prepare for attacks from the front and both sides, and we can reliably defeat them one by one, reducing their fighting power.
Shakado’s cavalry, with their thin presence, always positions behind these three cavalry units, hiding from the enemy’s view like a blind spot. When the enemy’s attention is diverted, Shakado will go in for assassinations – assassin play.
Naturally, the key is how we can move in coordination, and the cavalry’s mobility and the stamina to support it become important. That’s why we started pre-training for the cavalry battle.
“But, Yukito. How do we signal? Whistling?”
“I don’t really know. What’s whistling? Finger whistling? That made me laugh.”
“Hey, don’t go raising bad defeat flags on your own!”
We all burst out laughing.
“I brought it up myself, but hey, Miki-chan. This is the sports festival, right?”
“Like the class’s prestige is at stake?”
Elizabeth and the others seem enthusiastic too. Huh, where’s Shakado? Ah, there she is.
“Did you sense an earthquake? You’re like a catfish.”
Shakado was trembling under the desk. Such abnormal behavior by animals that can be considered precursors is called macroscopic anomalous phenomena. It’s romantic, but the causal relationship hasn’t been scientifically proven.
“Hehehe… S-such an important role, I can’t do it.”
“Hah? I don’t care if you say it’s impossible.”
“Too tyrannical!”
Shakado is also overflowing with motivation. That’s a good trend. We’ll definitely win!
“Kokonoe-kun.”
A voice calls from outside the classroom. An elegant and profound voice like rolling bells.
“Tojo-senpai?”
“May I have a moment?”
Those words were directed at the refreshing handsome guy group. The entourage nods.
“Please, please. Boil him or grill him, do whatever senpai likes with him.”
“Hey, listen carefully, handsome facial battery. I’m the one who’s going to boil or grill senpai.”
“Kokonoe-kun!?”
Tojo-senpai’s face turns red in panic. As expected of someone called a saint, she’s too beautiful.
I go out into the hallway and look around, but I only see Tojo-senpai.
“Won’t I be assassinated by the honor guard for disrespect?”
“Honor guard? There’s no way such a thing exists.”
Strange. Beautiful senpai are supposed to have honor guards by common sense.
“Um… so am I going to be grilled by Kokonoe-kun?”
Tojo-senpai asks timidly while blushing.
“Well yes. I’m currently grilling the teachers, so after that’s finished.”
“Huh?”
While having such casual conversation, I was led by Tojo-senpai into the counseling room.
“To think I’d come here again in such a short time…”
As I was lost in sentiment, Tojo-senpai’s expression tightened with resolve. The fact that she brought me all the way here meant I could imagine it was serious content she didn’t want others to hear.
“It took time, but I finally found out who was trying to frame Kokonoe-kun.”
The person Tojo-senpai was investigating. That is, the person who sent senpai a letter saying I was the main culprit in the cheating incident. And probably the same person who was spreading bad rumors about me.
“–That name is Totoki Akari. She’s a first-year like Kokonoe-kun.”
Hearing that name, I opened my eyes in shock. It’s a girl’s name. C-could that be–
“Who is that?”
“What was that convincing shocked attitude just now…”
Senpai shows me a photo with a flutter. It’s a photo of a person named Totoki Akari.
“How about it, Kokonoe-kun?”
“Ah, this girl is…”
Isn’t she the girl who was drowning at the beach?
Thick, heavy clouds that look like rain could start falling any moment.
Warm air gives way to cold air, and I feel a chilly coldness in the air caressing my skin.
The changeable autumn sky. I raise my hand and look up. Beyond this sky is space. But I suddenly wonder if there really is endless infinite darkness spreading beyond that. Even though I know it as knowledge, I’ve never actually seen it. Isn’t that the same as knowing nothing at all?
(Totoki-san… to think she was Kazahaya Akari-san…)
I remember her crying like a little girl. She who said she had something important to tell me confessed while sobbing that she was the one who sent the fabricated photos using AI.
What Kokonoe-kun said was correct. I’m devastated by the cruel truth.
Thrown into an abyss, everything goes dark before my eyes, and my sluggish thoughts won’t work.
If this was the case, it would have been far better if the culprit had been a complete stranger.
Surging regret. Chains of admonition bind my body. I desperately held back the urge to vomit.
To think the culprit was a student… And I didn’t even notice that a former student was right nearby. The truth was right beside me, but I couldn’t see it because I was turning away.
I might have been unconsciously avoiding it. Kazahaya-san had the impression of being an active girl. Somewhat different from how she is now. In my hazy memories, her current different atmosphere doesn’t overlap with her past image.
(If he hadn’t been there, I would have long since broken down…)
For a while now I’ve been tormented by anxiety, falling into sleep deprivation, and making repeated mistakes. I couldn’t focus on work.
Not only colleagues, but even the sharp-eyed students worried about my health. Even so, I couldn’t condemn Totoki-san. Because I’m the one who drove her to commit wrongdoing.
It was an agonizing decision, but I’m relieved that I didn’t hastily make a big fuss about it.
Dull pain. I’m tormented by slight fatigue. My heart and body were tired from the despair thrust upon me.
The tension breaks, a feeling like a taut string snapping. The relief that I no longer have to cower in fear, and the guilt over driving a student to this point. A conflicted heart.
I just can’t bring myself to resent Totoki-san. I find myself thinking she’s pitiful and pathetic.
(She said she would apologize to Kokonoe-kun too, but will that be alright…)
I worry, but smile bitterly thinking it’s unnecessary. Unlike before, he’s different now. Such a kind person will surely handle it better than I would. Rather, I feel more at ease leaving Totoki-san’s follow-up to Kokonoe-kun.
I couldn’t bring myself to add insult to injury for her who was suffering so bitterly. She’s already received enough judgment. In that case, there’s nothing for me to do. I saw nothing.
Such photos never existed in the first place. That’s fine.
Quietly, I direct my gaze forward. I’ve reached my destination.
(…He’s here?)
The underpass tunnel spreads its pitch-black maw as if swallowing light. Like a monster’s lair. My legs stiffen and my walking pace slows. Step by step, I feel fear like approaching a guillotine.
Stepping into the abyss. Silence dominated the area. A single boy standing in it–
“…Why are you here?”
“It’s been a while… Okamoto Kazuhiro-kun.”
A train ran overhead. I knew I wouldn’t be welcomed, but facing him I understand.
(This child is really… the timid Okamoto-kun?)
People change. Dramatically. Kokonoe-kun, Totoki-san, and Okamoto-kun too. Each person’s life shapes their personality. If that’s the case, what kind of days has he lived through?
As I’m lost in thoughts about his past full of setbacks, Okamoto-kun nods as if noticing something.
“Ah, I see. So Akari betrayed me.”
“That’s not true! She was suffering and on the verge of breaking. That’s why I–“
I reflexively argue against his ironic words. Totoki-san often met with Okamoto-kun here. It’s a secret place only the two of them knew. She didn’t betray him. She hesitated until the very end. Even so, I heard everything from Totoki-san and had her call Okamoto-kun out.
Because I resolved to pay compensation with everything I have if there’s anything I can atone for.
“It doesn’t matter either way. I have no use for her anymore.”
“Use? She was trying to protect you until the very end, you know?”
I feel indignation at his cold words. Totoki-san initially confessed that it was all her own doing. She tried to hide Okamoto-kun’s existence. That was probably Totoki-san’s way of atonement after suffering so much.
But I felt something off about her attitude. I didn’t think Totoki-san held strong enough resentment to attack Kokonoe-kun, nor did I think she had the technical skills to create fabricated images.
I spent time in the counseling room drawing it out of her. And I regret the truth I finally reached.
The past materialized to demand I settle my sins. My mistakes invited an irreversible future.
“She just didn’t want to acknowledge her ugly self. Or maybe she wanted to lighten her guilt.”
“You–“
I falter at his mocking words. His glaring gaze isn’t laughing.
“I was surprised when I learned sensei was still continuing as a teacher.”
“…I haven’t been continuing continuously.”
I got scared and ran away. But this was all I had. Having made no effort to find my own path, I could only get back on the prepared rails and run again.
A family line of teachers going back generations. But my parents didn’t necessarily want that for me.
The right to decide was always mine. Yet I just feared the freedom I was given.
“What a nice position, I’m envious. Because that’s right, isn’t it? Even if you destroy a student’s life, you don’t have to take any responsibility. You can just put on teacher airs and say grand things irresponsibly.”
I hesitate before the barrage of sharp words. There’s no room for rebuttal. Because everything is fact.
I heard a little about Okamoto-kun’s past from Totoki-san. Apparently he had considerable hardship even after transferring schools.
Expelled from the classroom, not doing well in his new place either, he eventually fell into being surrounded by enemies on all sides.
I couldn’t save him. It’s my responsibility for neglecting him as he was ostracized.
Even so, I was concerned about him. But I can’t control the students’ feelings. It was unavoidable that some students would resent him, seeing him as the cause of the classroom breakdown.
When homeroom registration was decided, and when he and his parents chose to transfer schools, I was secretly relieved.
Because the classroom environment, which was nothing but a bed of nails for Okamoto-kun, would be too painful. I thought that starting over fresh in a new place would let him have a more enjoyable school life.
“I sincerely apologize.”
I bow my head deeply. Come to think of it, I never apologized to him. This is my punishment for clinging to quick solutions. I neglected to make efforts to somehow change the situation before Okamoto-kun was driven to a point where he could only choose escape. Even now, I can’t think of such methods. But whether I made my best effort is questionable. I myself was mentally damaged and had no leeway.
If I had noticed earlier. If I could have stood by his suffering.
(Would something have changed…)
I’m a foolish adult who deserves to be hated. An accomplice who drove him to criminal acts.
“Can such a thing really be settled with just an apology like that? With such light words, with such a light head! Even after transferring schools, my life was rock bottom. My parents fought every single day, my father’s work stopped going well, and my mother took out all that frustration on me!”
The atmosphere trembles with anger, crackling with electricity. I must endure it. This torture that seeks to tear me apart.
“Even when I went to school, having transferred at such an awkward time, I remained forever packaged as ‘the transfer student’ and could never fit in. The curious gazes gradually changed to indifference, and I was ostracized there too.”
The history he walked that I knew nothing about. His grief conveys just how harsh those days were.
“It’s absurd, isn’t it? Why did only I have to go through something like this? Was what I did really so terrible? Ah, certainly it was bad. I even reflected on it. But you know, it was you and that guy who escalated it! Give it back! Give me back my life!”
A plea from his soul. Okamoto-kun was seeking it. A return to those happy times. The radiant past.
An explosion of unbearable feelings. From Okamoto-kun’s perspective, it was just a tiny momentary lapse in judgment. Yet he received punishment that was completely disproportionate. If I had handled it properly, it never would have come to this.
“How can someone who destroyed another person’s life so thoroughly still continue being a teacher!”
“…I’m truly sorry.”
All I can do is apologize. I accept his resentment with my body.
I have no intention of condemning what Okamoto-kun did. He can keep using me as a punching bag forever if he wants. If that will ease his anger, his hatred, his sadness even a little, then I’m fine with it.
“As expected, Sanjoji-sensei, you really are the worst. A long time ago, there was someone who said this: ‘Just because someone apologized, does that mean you have to forgive them?’ I think so too. There’s no way I could forgive you!”
Words that Kokonoe-kun once spoke. The time Okamoto-kun spent filled with suffering, his parents who became estranged, the past that has gone by—none of it will ever return.
“Your head is too high! Is that the attitude of someone apologizing with sincerity? If you really think you’ve done wrong, if you truly feel sorry, then get down on your knees and apologize! You can do that, can’t you, sensei? You were so obsessed with justice back then. Getting down on your knees and apologizing should be simple!”
Eyes bloodshot, spittle flying from the corners of his mouth. Apologies are always just worthless lip service.
I drift into reminiscence. In my youth, I pursued ideals. A beautiful and righteous world.
That immature obsession succumbed to reality, destroyed a student’s life, and brought him here to kill me.
Perhaps this was always my destined fate. I accept it readily.
Totoki-san is the same. Every single student in that classroom where I served as homeroom teacher harbors feelings akin to hatred toward me, to a greater or lesser degree. I turned it into such a deeply sinful class.
Slowly, I kneel on the cold asphalt. Water droplets fall and wet my pumps, the hard texture transmitted through my stockings. My stockings tear and run from being scratched.
Without caring about such things, I bow my head. I continue bowing, pressing my forehead against the ground.
“…I’m truly sorry!”
The raindrops that begin to fall soak my entire body. As if to cool me, who had been tormented by fever.
Seeing my appearance, do you think it’s wretched? Do you think it’s pitiful?
I don’t care anymore. The immense sadness I cannot bear numbs my emotions.
“Hahahaha! Serves you right. That’s exactly what suits you, crawling on the ground like that. That’s right, let’s hold a class reunion next time. Then everyone can look at your pathetic figure and laugh!”
The mockery doesn’t faze me. How fitting for such a ridiculous clown that I am.
If that’s what Okamoto-kun wants to do, then so be it. I won’t refuse. I mustn’t refuse.
I don’t want anyone else to do something so cruel, like threatening with photos.
Click, click—photos are being taken with a smartphone. Still, I continue bowing my head.
Believing that his hatred might be relieved, even just a tiny bit.
“I’m getting tired of that pathetic sight. That’s right, if you’ll just grant me one request, I’ll forgive you.”
“…A request?”
I raise my head and stare intently at Okamoto-kun. My glasses are wet with rain, and I can’t quite make out his expression in my blurred vision.
If it’s something I can fulfill, anything is fine. If it’s something I can atone for, I’ll do anything.
Literally, I’ll stake everything. Even if it means trading my life, this time I’ll save him for sure.
Without being able to see clearly, I still felt certain that Okamoto-kun had smiled.
“Then—quit being a teacher.”
“…Eh?”
There’s no point in asking him to repeat it. I heard it clearly. The demand seeps in over time.
“I mean, how can someone who destroyed my life continue being a teacher so brazenly? It’s ridiculous and makes me want to vomit. So shameless, utterly thick-skinned!”
I gulp and swallow. It sounds like a reasonable demand. Perhaps I’ve been clinging to a place where I shouldn’t have been all along. My pride is broken. At my age, I have no regrets about retiring.
Misaki-san has decided to return to work. So if that’s all he’s asking for, then I—
“Hmph. Well, that’s about what I expected. No matter how much you bow your head, you have no real intention of taking responsibility. A hypocrite and a big liar. —What a waste of time this was. Well then, goodbye.”
“Please wait! If that’s what you want, I’ll quit—”
With the same line that Kokonoe-kun once spoke at the end, Okamoto-kun turns his back and walks away.
Without even the energy to stand up, I watched his back listlessly.
A train passed overhead again. The rattling sound approached and then faded away.
What I must do to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions is clear.
I need to act immediately. With sluggish movements, I raise my heavy body.
(Okamoto-kun suffered so much… I have no right to be a teacher—)
Even I think it’s presumptuous. What’s this—the answer was there from the beginning.
He’s just too kind, Kokonoe-kun is. Everyone else probably feels the same as Okamoto-kun.
“Sensei?”
A gentle voice that seems to show concern for me. A hallucination? While denying it as a fleeting dream, I turn around anyway.
A boy holding an umbrella. A lapis lazuli-colored umbrella that doesn’t suit this place stands out remarkably.
“You’ll catch a cold.”
Though expressionless, he peers at me with what seems like worry.
“…Why are you here?”
There should be so many things I want to tell him, yet only such words come out. What a boring woman.
“When I visited sensei’s house, I thought there might be an emergency, so I installed a location app. You know, there was a possibility you could encounter danger. Ah, I wasn’t trying to monitor your behavior or anything? I’m not some jealous, menhera (mentally unstable) person. It was purely for emergency evacuation purposes. Now that the perpetrator of the incident has been identified and it’s no longer necessary, I’ll delete it later.”
I approach Kokonoe-kun unsteadily. Like an insect drawn to light, with irregular steps.
“—I came to pick you up.”
The emotions that had been numb suddenly regain their color all at once. Blood begins to flow through my cold heart.
Deep in my chest, a chest that I had locked securely with multiple layers, suppressing it so it wouldn’t overflow. It unlocks so easily, stealing away the heart I had imprisoned. I could no longer bear it.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!”
I run over and, exposing everything, crouch in his chest.
I tremble with regret. Disappointment in myself. What I led to with these hands was catastrophe.
The man-made disaster I caused stole a child’s future. It erased hope from him.
I should have sympathized with Okamoto-kun’s suffering, he was waiting for salvation, but I averted my eyes from the harsh reality and ran away. The ideals I held were shattered into pieces, leaving only fragments.
My unstoppable lamentation soaks Kokonoe-kun’s chest. Endlessly, forever.
With his left hand—the one not holding the umbrella, his idle hand—he gently embraces me.
In the cold rain, not wanting to let go of this warmth, I continued crying without regard for public eyes.
READ THE ORIGINAL TRANSLATION AT gadgetizedpanda.net
After Tojo-senpai told me that Kazahaya—that is, Totoki Akari—was the perpetrator, and before I could consider how to respond, the person herself came to see me. With her eyes swollen red from crying.
When I heard her story, she had already confessed her crimes to Sanjoji-sensei. The series of harassment against me and the harassment against Sanjoji-sensei were both the work of the same person: Totoki Akari.
I felt like I’d been caught off guard. It felt like everything was resolved on its own before I could do anything, but Totoki Akari came to me after I learned who the culprit was. This means Totoki Akari’s surrender doesn’t count as voluntary surrender. Voluntarily reporting before being identified is called “surrender,” while going to the police after being identified is called “turning oneself in.” Naturally, the former has a higher possibility of reduced sentencing. In other words, Totoki Akari missed the chance for reduced sentencing by just a hair.
That said, when the perpetrator is a student, you can’t immediately report to external authorities. Just as I was about to discuss the response with Sanjoji-sensei, I realized I couldn’t reach her.
So I used the location app to determine her whereabouts and went to the scene.
“…I’m sorry. Um, for making you wait.”
“Ecchi.”
“It can’t be helped! Th-this was all there was!”
Sanjoji-sensei in her negligee twists her body bashfully. Tremendously Ecchi.
For some reason, Inukichi is pawing at the closet, making appeals by hitting it with his paws. It seemed like there might be pajamas and such inside, but I don’t particularly mention it. Because it’s Ecchi.
I couldn’t just leave her out in the rain. We returned to Sanjoji-sensei’s house, and I had her take a hot shower to avoid catching a cold. She needed time to wash away various things.
—At that time, sensei’s body was very cold. Probably her heart too.
“Ah, I’ll dry it for you. I do this at home all the time.”
“Th-thank you. Having a man do something like this for me…”
I apply the dryer’s warm air evenly, drying it thoroughly without any unevenness. When hair is wet, the cuticles are open. In this state, hair is easily damaged. Care is important.
Sensei has beautiful, lustrous long hair, so damaged hair is absolutely unacceptable.
At home, this is my job, so you could call it a daily routine. My mother has short hair so it dries quickly, but my sister has long hair so it takes quite a while. Depending on the weight of the dryer, this can be quite hard work. If I think of it as weight training with dumbbells, it’s no problem.
After confirming it’s dry, I switch to cold air and style the whole thing.
“…You’re skilled.”
“I’m used to it.”
Inukichi was looking at us enviously. Can’t be helped.
Whoosh—I blow air on Inukichi too, fixing his fur.
“Did you meet with Totoki-san?”
“Yes. She confessed. Since it’s turning herself in, I’m wondering what to do.”
I clearly told Totoki Akari something: I won’t pretend it never happened.
In reality, I suffered harm, and Tojo-senpai worked desperately hard to find the culprit too.
Just because she apologized doesn’t make it okay. It can’t be that simple. Totoki Akari will certainly receive punishment beyond suspension. Probably, suspension from school is unavoidable. However, it won’t go as far as expulsion.
Sanjoji-sensei wouldn’t want that either, and I don’t intend to seek such harsh punishment.
What’s needed is closure. We’re no longer innocent children who don’t know right from left.
Totoki Akari accepted this. She had no choice but to accept it, but she wasn’t in despair either. When she repented to Sanjoji-sensei, she probably had the appropriate resolve.
I had been on guard thinking the perpetrator might take the next action, but that’s over too.
With this, all problems are resolved—except not quite, there’s still one more person remaining.
“Okamoto Kazuhiro, right?”
He’s so far in the realm of forgotten memories that even hearing his name or seeing his face, I only vaguely remember him, but he’s a troublesome man.
Totoki Akari was also a troublesome woman, but his level of being twisted is extraordinary.
“For you too, he’s an unforgettable person—right?”
“No, I was just thinking that his name overlaps with Takahashi Kazunari.”
Isn’t that confusing?
“Takahashi-kun, that’s the first-year from the soccer club, right?”
“You know him well. Do you have some connection?”
Could it be that she knows every single new student? That’s tremendous effort and memory.
“No. He was just your classmate.”
I see, my class is being watched by the teachers, so it can’t be helped.
“I didn’t even notice Totoki-san right away… I’m a failure as a teacher.”
Sanjoji-sensei speaks self-deprecatingly. I don’t know the details of what happened. I wait for sensei’s words.
“Take responsibility for ruining someone’s life, they said. That’s reasonable, isn’t it? Because it’s true.”
Sanjoji-sensei speaks while feeling dejected. She seems to have become quite disheartened.
“It’s not just Okamoto-kun. I’m the one who made Totoki-san do such things, and Kokonoe-kun, I’ve distorted your life too with my arrogance. I forced my ego on you and broke you.”
Tears spill down again, drop by drop. Since sensei isn’t wearing her glasses, she gently wipes them away.
“I’m sorry.”
Sensei’s heartfelt words. They used to not resonate with me at all in the past, but now they strike my heart.
“I’ve been told to quit being a teacher.”
A pained smile. When you’re sad, you should just cry. You don’t need to force yourself to smile.
“Perhaps I was never suited for it from the beginning. I’ve never considered exploring paths other than teaching until now. It’s negligence on my part. I think… it’s a good opportunity.”
The words sensei spits out cut into her own body. Self-harm. Yet she can’t stop.
“If I had properly resolved things back then, Misaki-san could have continued pursuing her path as a teacher! Okamoto-kun wouldn’t have become unhappy either. And Kokonoe-kun is—”
Sensei covers her face with her hands and sobs. Inukichi was patting her back with his paw pads, trying to encourage her.
“What are you saying about me?”
“…You’re the only one I can’t imagine.”
Haa. Good grief. I was super angry at sensei. My fury was on par with the Sui Emperor who got pissed off after being taunted as “the Son of Heaven where the sun sets.” That master provocateur Ono no Imoko, one of Japan’s top-tier trolls.
“I’m disappointed in you, sensei.”
“Yes. I have no excuses.”
***
“I’m disappointed in you, sensei.”
Even Kokonoe-kun has finally given up on me. Of course. Okamoto-kun is right. I’m not someone who should continue being a teacher. What could I possibly teach when I’ve ruined my students’ lives?
My second life setback. The first was back then. I didn’t really recover from it. I just looked the other way and got by. All to protect my fragile, petty pride. Self-preservation.
Long ago, during the teacher employment exam interview, I spoke about many things. Eloquently about great causes, aspirations, lesson content, and passion for education. What nonsense. All of that was just pretense and lies.
The Sanjoji family was simply a family of teachers. The reason I aimed to become a teacher was nothing more than that.
Former students who admired my grandparents and parents would praise and flatter me. Pressure disguised as expectations.
What part of me is admirable? Every time I’m praised, I want to cover my ears in shame.
That’s why I could honestly nod to Kokonoe-kun’s words. They were my true feelings that I’d been hiding all along.
“Yes. I have no excuses.”
Surprisingly, I was able to accept it honestly. I have nothing left. Completely exhausted, I’m just a pathetic old woman clinging to the mercy of my students. I’m overcome with a sense of emptiness.
Once I accept reality, it’s nothing special. I was simply incompetent, and the burden was too heavy for me.
At my powerless and resigned attitude, Kokonoe-kun’s eyes widen in anger.
“You’ve been humiliated to the point of Canossa, so what are you saying? I’m angry now!”
He lightly lifts me up and makes me lie face down on his lap.
“Um… w-what are you planning to—”
Smack – my bottom was spanked.
“Hyai!?”
Smack smack smack smack smack smack
“Why are you spanking my bottom? Hyaa!? It hurts—well, it doesn’t hurt that much!”
Kokonoe-kun’s punishment continues relentlessly. I’ve never even been hit by my father!
“At this rate, I’ll end up like a Japanese macaque!”
“I’ll apply ointment to the affected area afterward, so it’s fine!”
“How is that fine!?”
Just imagining having ointment applied to my bottom is embarrassing…
After that, I was thoroughly disciplined, and Kokonoe-kun’s outrageous behavior finally came to an end.
“W-what got into you all of a sudden?”
I’m lifted up again and positioned to face him. The closeness makes me nervous.
Kokonoe-kun’s eyes have always been beautiful, transparent like glass since long ago.
“Sensei is sensei.”
“What do you mean by that…?”
I don’t understand his intention and ask back. Such a serious expression. He’s sincere and absolutely unwavering.
I envy that. His resilient heart. The mental strength to choose solitude even while isolated.
“When a student does something wrong, what should a teacher do?”
“I…”
I’m at a loss for words. A Q&A between teacher and student. But in this moment, our positions were completely reversed.
“Well, frankly speaking, corporal punishment.”
“Corporal punishment!?”
Corporal punishment is strictly forbidden. It’s absolutely not permitted in modern times.
“Teachers of the past understood this properly.”
I don’t want to remember. My past self who was self-righteous, arrogant, and conceited.
“When a student does something wrong, why does the teacher apologize? What the teacher should have done was scold them. Guiding them to the right path was the education you idealized as a teacher. You say lives were ruined because of you? Is Okamoto’s life made of PMMA plastic figurines?”
“—!!”
My entire body flushes with heat. My flushed body. Hot blood courses through my veins.
“There’s no such thing as a trivial life that can be changed by just one person. If you say Okamoto Kazuhiro is unhappy, that’s simply the result of his own choices. Besides, how can a teacher who only shared a few months of time have such a huge influence?”
Only when he said it did I realize. That’s right… I don’t have—such value.
To influence another person’s life—I couldn’t possibly be such a significant human being.
As an adult, as a teacher, confronting and scolding Okamoto-kun would have been my proper responsibility.
“Sensei is arrogant.”
“Yes.”
Simple and clear. Cheerful and frank. Such a delightfully refreshing answer makes my heart feel lighter.
Perhaps I wanted to believe I was a valuable person. But Kokonoe-kun denied that head-on. There was a perfect example right in front of me, yet I understood nothing.
Always surrounded by many people, his influence is incomparable to mine.
But even so, in the course of life, the value he exerts isn’t that great.
I should have known my own influence by inference. Like my unsuccessful marriage hunting, I was aiming too high and misjudging my own worth. That way, I wouldn’t match with anyone. I have no value.
“Even if you blame someone else, nothing changes. You have to change yourself.”
“How… painful to hear.”
“That said, I was just scolded by Akane-san the other day. She told me not to impose things on others.”
Kokonoe-kun droops dejectedly. Knowing that he’s not perfect either makes me smile.
Still incomplete. That’s precisely why he’s charming and attractive. Simply adorable.
“Even if you’re about to make a mistake, there are people who will try to pull you back. That’s why you like people so much. While having the strength to need no one, you’re always seeking others.”
“I’m at the bottom, after all.”
Always cheerfully negative. Possessing two contradictory elements. Yin and yang.
Of course people want to care for him. Of course they can’t leave him alone. —Before I knew it, I was naturally embracing him.
“You’re see-through, and being hugged in such light clothing causes various problems—beep beep beep…”
“It’s fine once in a while, isn’t it? No one’s watching here. Besides, Misaki-san was always doing this, right? I was envious too. Won’t this serve as compensation?”
Ever since I consulted about the photo matter, Kokonoe-kun has been staying by my side and working for me. He’s busy during this period too. Yet like a knight protecting a princess, he’s been by my side the whole time, protecting me. I don’t think such a thing can repay the debt. I simply acted on instinct, just wanting to do so.
Forgetting my position, unable to resist desire, I craved warmth. An immoral illegal act. To the point where I couldn’t laugh off the fabricated text sent with the photo. Destruction awaits ahead—.
“I’m a bad adult… aren’t I?”
Until just now, under the cold sky, I was trembling, soaked by rain. Feeling helpless, without the luxury of putting on a brave front.
An abandoned dog placed in a cardboard box, waiting for someone to pick me up. The view from inside the box was gray. Waves of indifferent people, my voice not reaching even when raised. Crying and whimpering until exhausted.
I had resigned myself to that reality, yet I found someone to cherish. At this age, I discovered a treasure I wouldn’t want to give to anyone else. But this child—I alone am not enough. A crystallization of happiness.
Dazzling light illuminates all darkness. I didn’t think to monopolize this happiness.
“Please close your eyes for just a moment.”
“I’m sorry. Drawing on your forehead was an impulse.”
“Please reconsider the quality of your impulses. I could never pull off such a feat.”
Kokonoe-kun tilts his head curiously while obediently closing his eyes.
“Ah, about that PMMA thing earlier—it’s polymethyl methacrylate—”
I softly kissed his lips.
“Heh?”
Kokonoe-kun blinks his eyes open.
The slight trace of saliva proved that our lips had touched.
It wasn’t the beautiful thing I had yearned for. An abnormal person who wouldn’t be strange to be disgusted by.
From a young person’s perspective, just being approached by an old lady is “gross”—an irredeemable predator.
“This was my first kiss, you know.”
I make excuses. A psychological defense mechanism not wanting to defile my one and only experience in life.
I’ve finally done it. This is truly an irreversible foolish act. But I have no regrets.
I’ve stopped trying to be pure and virtuous. I too have contradictory front and back sides.
“Does this… if I ask for it once more, would it become a second?”
“I don’t think that’s how you count them…”
The sweet atmosphere suddenly makes me feel embarrassed. Inukichi was also covering his face with his paws going “Oh no.”
But without this time, I would have quit teaching as I was told. He’s my benefactor.
I simply gave appropriate thanks to my benefactor. I deserve at least this much of an excuse.
“Oh my? Oh my, oh my, oh my?”
Kokonoe-kun looks at his smartphone, expressionless yet strangely excited.
“What’s wrong?”
Is it a message from his family? I’ve kept Kokonoe-kun occupied for far too long.
“A message came from Okamoto. I see, I see. It seems he’s gotten quite cocky from making sensei feel down. Foolish. Sensei is not down, she is up.”
“What are you looking at when you say that?”
“It’s impossible not to look when you’re dressed like that. What is that, Mount Kyoka mountain range?”
“No entry allowed!”
Not pajamas but a negligee. Perfect counterargument. Kokonoe-kun wins in terms of persuasive power.
The altitude is… should I consider it high? I don’t think this counts as something to boast about though.
“W-well… I don’t mind if it just a little…”
“Sensei, aren’t you weak to pressure?”
Surprising even myself, as Kokonoe-kun says, I might indeed be weak to pressure.
This feeling I’m harboring is like fan activity. Even if it’s just pretense, I’ll stick to it.
“—Wait, that’s not it, why is Okamoto-kun…?”
“Haha, I see. Could it be that this guy doesn’t know that sensei and I are childhood friends? Interesting. Then I’ll prove what it means for me to get cocky!”
“We’re not that kind of relationship though…”
“I understand. Then, a friendship of broken zither strings. Or rather, a friendship of necks on the chopping block.”
“Never mind about the relationship! Also, broken zither has the same meaning.”
If we were childhood friends, I wouldn’t have had to worry about such an age gap…
“Then what kind of relationship are we?”
“T-that would be… I’m your Sensei and friend, wouldn’t it?”
I hesitate slightly, as if trying to gauge his reaction. Perhaps he didn’t want to make it clear.
Even if there were a different answer, it would be forbidden words that I should never say.
“Se*friends? I see. I have no objection to Sensei and me being Se*riends..”
“That’s still wrong!”
“Still?”
I blurt it out without thinking, and my face instantly flushes bright red.
“You’ve got it all wrong! There’s nothing lewd about our relationship!”
“Huh? Isn’t Se*friend is short for Sensei and friends? What do you mean by ‘lewd’?”
“Graaah! Stop trying to trap me with your wicked wordplay!”
That fake-innocent face, acting like it’s just an honest question, is infuriating.
Right now, I’m probably blushing all the way to my ears. I force myself to switch mental gears.
“…So, do you have any predictions about what Okamoto-kun will do?”
“He seems to be plotting something wicked, but I’ll easily twist him around. Kyahahaha!”
“Haa. Yes, I’m starting to feel like that would happen with you.”
The fact that I took it so seriously now feels almost laughable. Maybe it’s okay to be this relaxed about things.
“Thank you.”
“It’s not every day you get thanked for sexual harassment…”
“So you do know what you’re doing!”
If I keep getting spoiled like this, I’ll end up on the fast track to ruin—just like Misaki-san.
“Please… don’t melt me any more than you already have, okay?”
I am [ ] with you.
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