Chapter 3: The Right-Hand Door of the Demon King’s Castle
[Phew, ‘Mito Komon’ really has its own charm in every generation. …Come to think of it, it’s about time I let him reincarnate again. Which box did I put him in?]
“……”
[Ah, this is the one. Now then, your next reincarnation destination is—]
“……”
[No response. It appears to be just a hermit crab specimen.]
“……”
[……]
“Hah! The Goddess is trying to change her clothes!”
[What a despicable ulterior motive.]
“If you ‘look down’ on an ulterior motive, from our perspectives, we’d look upside down to each other, wouldn’t we?”
[Hurry up and say goodbye to that hermit crab body.]
“I actually quite like this body. There’s a certain wabi-sabi to being a crustacean specimen in eternal darkness.”
[You’ve really reached the peak of being a pervert.]
“The sounds the Goddess makes from time to time really let my imagination run wild.”
[You haven’t grown at all.]
“Excuse me? Even if I look like this, I’ve lived three lives. I’ve grown immensely.”
[You died as a youth, lived as a ribcage, and then fifteen years as a hermit crab. Even being generous, that’s barely two lives worth.]
“I think it’s plenty, though.”
[The fact that you haven’t changed at all is, in a way, amazing.]
“My lust for you, Goddess-sama, hasn’t changed either.”
[Thank you for that. As a reward, I’ll grind that body to dust before putting it back together.]
“They say crustaceans can feel pain—but actually, this body is the most relaxing. A human body is truly the best.”
[It’s actually quite admirable that you didn’t even groan while your body was being ground up.]
“I was a specimen. A corpse doesn’t feel pain.”
[What was that useless trivia from a moment ago then? Also, corpses shouldn’t be feeling lust or talking.]
“Even corpses have human rights.”
[You were a hermit crab.]
“‘Hermit Crab Rights’ sounds like a martial art from a third-rate fighting manga.”
[I won’t agree with you. So, what shall we do for your next reincarnation?]
“Wait a moment. Let me check the Suggestion Box.”
[There’s no way anything’s in there.]
“Oh, found one.”
[No way.]
“Let’s see… it’s from G-san.”
※ Note: We will correct the name if public permission is granted.
[Did I reincarnate someone like that? I have no memory of it.]
“Don’t worry about the small details. It says the reincarnation destination here.”
[Well, I suppose it’ll be relatively better than the places you or your friends suggest.]
“The Right-Hand Door of the Demon King’s Castle.”
[I take it back. I can’t even compare them.]
“Isn’t it great? The Right-Hand Door of the Demon King’s Castle!”
[Take some responsibility for saying a human body was ‘the best’ just a second ago!]
“But think about it! I’ll have way more screen time than, say, the back door of a villager’s shed in the third village the Hero visits.”
[I won’t deny the frequency of use, but are you okay with that? I have doubts about whether you can be satisfied with a life as an inanimate object.]
“Well, you don’t know until you try, right?”
[I feel like I know exactly how it’ll go, but since it’s you, I guess we have no choice but to try.]
“But man, the right side… the left side is probably more popular.”
[Right or left shouldn’t matter… oh, the left side already has an occupant.]
“Left-handed people have that ‘cool’ image, after all.”
[Probably only in Japan.]
“You know, having those iron doors go BAM when the Hero or Demon King enters… I’ve always admired that.”
[I can understand the appeal of the scene, but I have no desire to understand the wish to be the door.]
“If I get featured in a double-page spread, I’ll take up most of a whole page!”
[An author who uses a double-page spread for that kind of scene must be struggling for material. So, what about options?]
“I don’t think I need anything excessive, but I’d like to be able to open and close by my own will.”
[A door that opens and closes on its own is just a horror movie.]
“Since I can’t walk, it would be helpful if it’s easier to level up.”
[What is a door going to do with levels?]
“I’ll learn from my past mistakes and leave out things like ‘Strongest Equipment’ or ‘Cursed Equipment.'”
[Good. If a Demon King were defeated by his own castle door, he’d probably want to reincarnate in another world out of sheer frustration.]
“And let’s see… I’ll just add some door settings haphazardly…”
[Stop operating my terminal without permission! I won’t stop you from being picky about the interior design, but at least keep it Western-style.]
“Is an automatic door no good?”
[If I have to interfere with the electricity supply, it’ll be a huge problem for the world’s image. Besides, if you can open and close at will, ‘automatic’ doesn’t even mean anything.]
“Alright, then I’ll just add these options… Okay, I’m off for a bit!”
[I really hope you find satisfaction and pass on peacefully this time.]
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“I’m back. I’m hungry.”
[Welcome back. There’s curry in the fridge; eat it without heating it up.]
“So cold, in so many ways. I’ll fry it up and make pilaf then.”
[That smell is a terrorist attack. Make some for me too.]
“Understood. By the way, surprisingly, it was no good. Being the Right-Hand Door of the Demon King’s Castle.”
[The ‘no good’ part isn’t a surprise. Let’s hear the report.]
“Well, at first, I was the door to the Demon King’s throne room.”
[The phrase ‘at first’ already tells me things are going to get weird.]
“No, no. At first, I was really doing my best ‘door-ing’.”
[‘Door-ing’? For such a short word, it doesn’t show up in a single search result.]
“I was synchronizing my opening and closing with the force people used, sharpening all my senses to perform the ultimate ‘door-ness’.”
[I think if they just left it to you, you could have opened and closed freely.]
“I accidentally crushed someone when I sneezed, though.”
[That’s some serious ‘faulty housing’ right there.]
“The Demon King’s castle is really dusty.”
[In stories where the Demon King is the protagonist, they seem like neat freaks, but a typical Demon King probably doesn’t clean.]
“Also, my cat allergy made me sneeze.”
[For a door? Was the Demon King keeping a cat?]
“No, one of the Demon King’s army’s top brass was a lion monster.”
[Ah, the lion-headed ‘strong enemy’ type. Lions are felines, after all.]
“His name was Garenza, the Undefeated General.”
[That’s a cool name, but if he loses even once, there’s no going back.]
“Yeah, I feel bad. Every time he passed through, I’d sneeze and crush him.”
[Garenza probably thought he was being bullied by the Demon King at first.]
“He reached Level 50 just by being crushed by me.”
[You were constantly ‘defeating’ the Undefeated General? Did he not learn?!]
“No, he learned to defend, but my power increase from leveling up was faster.”
[It’s a sad story, losing to a door’s growth rate.]
“The strike of a door that shatters steel armor is quite something, you know.”
[That’s more impressive than I imagined. In fact, why didn’t he die?]
“His strength was the real deal. Even as a general, once he gripped his battle-axe, he would charge alone into the center of the enemy camp. His legs wouldn’t stop until the enemies were dead or fleeing. Truly a ‘Beast of Slaughter,’ or so I heard from rumors of people passing by.”
[Because you were a door, you couldn’t go outside. But it’s pathetic that such a ‘Beast of Slaughter’ was crushed by a door every single time.]
“By the way, he died from being crushed to death.”
[So you did finish him off in the end.]
“Well, let’s just leave his story as a tragic accident.”
[Right. If it’s ‘death by accidental door,’ the title of ‘Undefeated General’ might barely be preserved.]
“Though the sight of him being crushed by a Level 90 door was pretty horrific.”
[Just how many people did you crush to death?]
“I pretty much took out all the Demon King’s generals.”
[So you were actually on the side of the Demon King’s enemies!]
“Fektrunder the Undefeated Knight, Dragresgo the Undefeated Dragon Demon, Raybebro the Undefeated Priest… they were all warriors feared by humans.”
[You really didn’t want to expand your repertoire of titles, did you? And they all lost to a door. With that much damage, how were you not removed?]
“Actually, a special power was at work. The Demon King’s army was made unable to feel suspicion toward the door.”
[That’s definitely an option’s fault! That was your doing, wasn’t it?!]
“No, I didn’t add an option like that.”
[Then what kind of power was it?]
“It was an option held by the Left-Hand Door of the Demon King’s Castle.”
[Oh, I forgot about the existence of the other weirdo.]
“He was also a door with a will. But we couldn’t get along… he was a loyal piece of furniture to the Demon King.”
[You should have been a loyal piece of furniture too. But if that was the case, they should have just used the left door.]
“The Left-Hand Door was a sliding door, so it wouldn’t open no matter how much you pushed or pulled.”
[He made himself a Japanese-style door? It’s hard to notice that in Western culture.]
“The castle itself was Western-style, so it didn’t even function as a proper sliding screen…”
[A double door where only one side opens is just a wall.]
“But when I opened, they could move to this side.”
[That’s some terrible design. You should have at least given him a rim or a handle.]
“He and I were always arguing. I claimed the Demon King was no good for this world, and he claimed the Demon King was the savior who would save the world from foolish humans.”
[If the left and right doors were always arguing, wouldn’t the Demon King have a nervous breakdown?]
“Well, remember the ‘unable to feel suspicion’ option?”
[Ah, right. That function.]
“So, our arguments were processed as mysterious voices echoing inside the Demon King’s head.”
[He had no choice but to go neurotic.]
“The Demon King was a pathetic guy, wavering in his own position.”
[That’s because he took your words denying him as his own inner conflict!]
“Seriously, the left door was a terrible guy, siding with the Demon King until the very end.”
[I don’t think he could ‘side’ with anyone, literally. But wait, in your previous life, you were saved by Benizake-shishou, the Demon King’s successor. Why were you so sure the Demon King was evil?]
“Because the Demon King was always laying hands on me!”
[Because you’re a door!]
“Just when I thought I’d opened my heart, he’d perform the cruel act of closing it immediately!”
[Because you’re a door! He was actually being polite!]
“The other subordinates were all laying hands on me, and only me!”
[Because you’re a door! And the other side was a defective sliding door that wouldn’t open!]
“Everyone looked at me with cold eyes, as if they were just looking at an object.”
[Because you ARE a door! If they were looking at you with passion, they’d be perverts!]
“Garenza had a door fetish, so he was always smiling.”
[So there was a pervert. Considering his cause of death, he might have died happy.]
“But the others were different. In the latter half, they treated me like I was radioactive.”
[Well, you were a Level 90 door that had killed their comrades. I want to praise them for managed to act like that even when they weren’t supposed to feel suspicion.]
“They didn’t suspect the door, but rumors were spreading that the throne room was cursed.”
[The throne room really suffered.]
“Who cares if a room suffered?”
[Spoken like a true lowly door.]
“Now, let’s talk about the conclusion. The Demon King’s army was busy at war with the humans, but eventually, they started getting pushed back.”
[That tends to happen when all your generals are crushed to death by your own throne room door.]
“And finally, the Hero Yuralectfullet arrived.”
[You have a surprisingly good memory.]
“This was finally the moment of reckoning for the Demon King. A Demon King with a string of failures is a pathetic thing.”
[His biggest failure was not moving out.]
“However, being the Demon King, his battle with the Hero was extremely fierce. His cheat skills were quite something. Specifically, his skill [Infinite Growth], which allowed him to regenerate and gain massive power the closer he got to death, was incredible. Even after taking the Hero’s ultimate move, he’d bounce back immediately.”
[That’s a very strong skill.]
“The Demon King’s strength was on another level. He didn’t have that skill trigger thousands of times in the castle for nothing.”
[You crushed him THAT many times?! I was wondering why there were no reports of the Demon King being a victim!]
“The Hero, who thought he could overwhelm him, was also shocked by the Demon King’s strength.”
[If you hadn’t raised the Demon Lord yourself, the hero certainly would have been able to overwhelm him]
“But even that Hero was suddenly driven into a corner by the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left), which launched a magic attack from behind.”
[I’d nearly forgotten its existence again. I suppose even a Hero never expected to be ambushed by a door.]
“At this rate, the Hero was going to die. But all I could do was open and close, so I just kept flapping back and forth—”
[From the Hero’s perspective, you—the one moving frantically—probably looked more dangerous. It was quite unexpected that the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left) could actually use magic, too.]
“Using magic despite being a door is just playing dirty. I told him he needed to learn some common sense!”
[I’m sure you’re the last person he wanted to hear that from.]
“Then, the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left) tried to erase me from existence by firing magic at me, too!”
[Actually, I wonder why he didn’t use it until now.]
“Well, I had the option [Indestructible], so I was perfectly fine.”
[And there’s the cheat skill. Now it makes sense how you were able to slaughter so many seasoned veterans.]
“I magnificently deflected his Darkness Gravity Ancient Jellyic Neo Phantom Terra Cocytus Eternal Dimension Lightning Flame Fire.”
[I’m starting to get worried about the mental state of the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left).]
“Then, the deflected Darkness Gravity Ancient Jellyic Neo Phantom Terra Cocytus Eternal Dimension Lightning Flame Fire hit the Demon Lord directly, and he vanished in an instant.”
[What terrifying power. If he had fired that at the Hero first, the battle would have been over. Also, if you’re going to use that magic name from now on, please abbreviate it.]
“The Hero and his twelve unique heroines were stunned by the sudden turn of events.”
[And there’s the tacked-on harem element.]
“However, having lost the Demon Lord it was meant to protect, the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left) lost itself to rage and prepared to fire Dar- (abbreviated) at the Hero and the others.”
[You could have at least said ‘Dark.’ Still, if hit by a spell that could erase the Demon Lord in one shot, the Hero wouldn’t stand a chance.]
“But the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left) ran out of MP and couldn’t fire the spell in the end.”
[Well, it was a ‘full-effort’ magic name, after all. He must have really hated you.]
“That’s just the limit of a door that hasn’t put in any work for its leveling.”
[People don’t usually think about adding ‘leveling’ elements to a door.]
“And then, the Hero fired a counter-attack Dar- (abbreviated) at the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left).”
[The Hero could use it too?! Are those two perhaps both reincarnated people from the same world?]
“Since Dar- (abbreviated) is a spell that burns even the soul, the soul of the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left) was not safe, even with the [Indestructible] option.”
[I wonder how you managed to bounce it back, then?]
“When there’s a level difference, instant-death spells don’t work, you know.”
[So it was an instant-death spell…]
“And so, the great evil was completely destroyed.”
[The fact that the final boss was the ‘Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left)’ is going to be a historical problem.]
“The Hero embraced the heroines and rejoiced in victory. I was moved and gave them a standing ovation.”
[To them, that must have looked like nothing but a poltergeist.]
“The Hero, appreciating my cooperation, invited me to go with them.”
[He’s beyond ‘big-hearted’—he’s just lost his mind.]
“But I am the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Right). As long as I have that position, I cannot leave this place.”
[I’d be troubled if you could move, anyway.]
“The Hero was moved by those words, gave up on recruiting me, and left the place looking regretful.”
[I don’t think there was anything moving about that.]
“However, one of the heroines hugging the Hero was a cat-ear type, and as she passed by, I accidentally sneezed and crushed the Hero between my doors.”
[You really messed up now.]
“The sight of the dead Hero slumped over the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left) was quite tragic.”
[He ended up leaning on the Hero’s shoulder even after death, huh.]
“The heroines blamed me, but it was the cat-ear heroine’s fault!”
[Let’s just go with that.]
“But nobody would listen to me; they treated me like I didn’t even have human rights.”
[You don’t. You’re a door.]
“I decided that I couldn’t let people who discriminate against doors live, so I turned my murderous intent toward them.”
[You’ve given up, haven’t you]
“One heroine asked if I had gone ‘door-anged’ (deranged)!”
[Shut up.]
“And so, the harrowing horror escape drama of me—who can teleport to any Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Right)—and the remaining eleven heroines began.”
[What happened to ‘not being able to leave this place’? And so the ‘great evil’ remained. Also, you finished off the cat-ear heroine, too.]
“Somehow or other, the surviving heroines succeeded in escaping, and the Demon Lord Castle collapsed.”
[I see we had a token ‘collapsing castle’ scene.]
“I might have slammed myself shut a bit too hard.”
[The castle couldn’t withstand the opening and closing of a Level 90 door that can kill a Hero?]
“With the Demon Lord Castle gone, I lost my identity, and my reincarnation came to an end.”
[So you did whatever you wanted and then just came back.]
“Since I couldn’t have a happy ending with a lover…”
[That’s fundamentally impossible for a door.]
“Well, the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left) was a guy, too.”
[I think it would have been impossible even if it were a woman.]
“Now, just gotta finish the plating… I’ll set the plates here.”
[That smells wonderful. Oh? I’ve never seen this table before.]
“It’s the Demon Lord Castle’s Door (Left) I brought back as a souvenir. Since it’s useless on its own, I processed it into a table.”
[I’ll commend your spirit of not wasting things. Well then, let’s eat.
[It seems a person who was a Demon Lord in a certain world was defeated by his own castle door. He grew dissatisfied with that world and became a candidate for reincarnation.]
“Heh, what an eccentric world that must have been.”
[……Indeed.]
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laughing my ass off in bed right now