Chapter 11: The Cord of a Secret Scroll
[Whew, somehow my ‘fit’ has subsided. But his actions were unexpected.]
“I felt called, so here I am.”
[I didn’t call you. Though you did help during my fit, thank you. You’ve saved your own life.]
“The words following the ‘thank you’ are scary.”
[It was a once-in-a-lifetime chance for me to be dere, and you showed great self-restraint.]
“I’m the type who wants to pursue rather than be pursued.”
[It seems you desire an unrequited love. Regardless of the reason, I’ll let you set your options freely for the time being.]
“Really? Can I be an ‘Entire Body Erogenous Zone’?”
[You’re fully intent on becoming an inanimate object, aren’t you? Fine, have it your way.]
“I’m gonna add tons of harem abilities! Now, let’s rummage through the Suggestion Box…”
[Judging by the sound effects, quite a few prompts have come in. It seems the guides have been getting into the spirit of it too.]
“From WamWamRemedy-san: ‘The Cord of a Secret Scroll.’“
[It’s an inanimate object. Congratulations.]
“But this is a high difficulty level.”
[I don’t understand the difference in difficulty among inanimate objects.]
“For example, let’s say I became an ‘Entire Body Er*genous Zone.'”
[I’d rather you didn’t, even as an example.]
“If the person who gets this secret scroll is some old guy, it’s going to be a very painful sight.”
[I see. Then shall we make it so a handsome Hero gets it?]
“Goddess-sama, you don’t allow dirty jokes, yet you’re fine with *that* kind of joke, aren’t you?”
[What are you talking about? I don’t understand the words of lower lifeforms.]
“You’ve gained about a kilogram lately, probably because you’ve been snacking more.”
[Your meal before you head out shall be one liter of olive oil.]
“Hehe, that’s more like it.”
[I’d like to hear your cry of anguish just once.]
“When I was the World Tree, it was just telepathy.”
[Then feel free to set your options. It’s obvious that letting you have your way will lead to something absurd.]
READ THE ORIGINAL TRANSLATION AT gadgetizedpanda.net
[Phew, I’ve successfully lost weight. Now, as a reward for myself, a cake…]
“I’m back! You’re snacking again!”
[No problem. From now on, I’ve made it so that when your weight decreases, mine does too.]
“What an easy diet. But that means as long as I don’t lose weight, you’ll stay chubby forever, right?”
[I’m at a standard weight right now, but if you’re going to call me chubby, how about I scrape five kilograms of meat off your body right now?]
“That’s a mild horror story! I’ll report while running on this jogging machine, so please forgive me.”
[Fine. Start at 30 km/h.]
“It’s not quite at the level of a 100-meter world record, so I’ll consider that generous.”
※ Usain Bolt is 37–38 km/h. His top speed is even faster!*
[First, should I ask about the contents of the secret scroll?]
“The scroll contains the secret ninjutsu of the legendary ninja, Kirigamine Kuuchou (Air Conditioning).”
[That ninja has a name like an air conditioner.]
“It’s a ninjutsu that can transform even the harshest environment into a comfortable space in an instant. The name of the ninjutsu is [Air Conditioning Jutsu].”
[It’s an air conditioner.]
“However, the chakra consumption is quite high, and using it continuously is inefficient.”
[It’s an air conditioner. Electricity bills are expensive, after all.]
“But its destructive power is outstanding. It’s said it even blocked falling meteorites.”
[The laws of physics are in shambles.]
“Thinking the electricity bill was a waste, Kirigamine Kuuchou tried to seal the scroll.”
[You’re not even calling it chakra anymore.]
“The thing he picked up at that time was… yes, me, the cord.”
[Don’t give me that smug face.]
“When Kirigamine Kuuchou picked me up, he gasped.”
[Did he realize your existence as a reincarnator? Impressive.]
“I was covered in oil.”
[Come to think of it, your last meal was olive oil.]
“I bathed in the amount I couldn’t finish drinking.”
[The cleanup was a nightmare.]
“Kirigamine Kuuchou grabbed the oil-covered me and wondered what to do.”
[If the cord you were going to use for a secret scroll was covered in olive oil, you’d just replace it without thinking.]
“But I was reincarnated as ‘The Cord of the Secret Scroll.’ Thus, he had no choice but to use me.”
[I don’t appreciate you using reincarnation like a curse.]
“In the end, Kirigamine Kuuchou used me as the scroll cord while in tears.”
[To make a legendary ninja cry… or rather, for him to cry at all.]
“He was a germaphobe, you see.”
[That must have been the worst for him. By the way, did you not add the ‘Entire Body Ergenous Zone’ option?] “To hear the words ‘Entire Body Ergenous Zone’ from the Goddess’s mouth… how stimulating.”
[40 km/h.]
“Oops, this is tough. As expected, I’ll stop if I don’t know who’s going to touch me.”
[The fact that you can run while saying it’s ‘tough’ shows you’ve grown.]
“And then, a hundred years passed.”
[Is it a story revolving around the secret scroll this time? It seems hollow, considering the content is an Air Conditioning Jutsu.]
“Due to a cataclysm, the world transformed into a tropical zone exceeding 50 degrees, or a frigid zone below freezing.”
[Oh, the demand just skyrocketed!]
“To save the world, the ‘Will of the World’ had to be made to use the Air Conditioning Jutsu. Many ninjas began searching for the secret scroll.”
[So the Will of the World was also a ninja? How philosophical.]
“However, the path to a certain cave in a certain ninja village in a certain remote region where the secret scroll was sealed was treacherous, and many ninjas fell halfway through.”
[The name ‘Ninja Village’ is so cheap. Also, there are too many ‘certains.’ Didn’t it have a proper name?]
“There is one, but I thought it might be better to keep it a secret.”
[There’s no point in keeping it a secret.]
“It’s a place called Take-no-ko-no-Sato (Bamboo Shoot Village) on Kino-ko-no-Yama (Mushroom Mountain).”
[Ninja Village is fine.]
“By the way, the cave is Alf○rt Cave.”
[Cave is fine. And why the Western-style name?]
“It’s a cave said to have been dug by the legendary samurai, Alf○rt.”
[I’m struggling to decide where to start with the retorts.]
“And then, the ‘Hero-position’ ninja of this world finally appeared in the Ninja Village.”
[Come to think of it, this is a Japanese-style ninja story this time, isn’t it?]
“His name is Ferick.”
[Give me back my line from three seconds ago.]
“Ferick is a ninja who carries the blood of the legendary general, Tokugawa Ta○home.”
[I don’t think the Shogun should be turned into a legend, but anyway, I managed to censor the words in time.]
“So, the Goddess-sama was the one putting in those censored symbol.”
[One never knows where a scary god might be watching, after all.]
“Anyway, Ferick breaks through the trap-filled mountain path and arrives at the Ninja Village.”
[Is it so easy that he can arrive ‘anyway’?]
“The breakthrough rate is less than 0.1 percent.”
[That’s stingier than a gacha game.]
“Well, there are Secur-○ brand traps everywhere.”
[The anachronism is staggering. This is exactly why I can’t stand ‘Japanese-style’ worlds.]
“Ferick tries to find a map showing the location of the cave, but he receives a painful welcome at the Ninja Village.”
[Was he attacked by the village ninjas?]
“Every single doorknob in the village was charged with static electricity.”
[That does hurt the hands.]
“Behold, the secret anti-personnel barrier ninjutsu passed down in the legendary ninja village.”
[Don’t make me laugh; that’s pathetic.]
“Ferick’s spirit almost breaks.”
[Isn’t his mental state a bit weak?]
“Hey, every time he opens a door, it goes BZZZT! You’d be frustrated too.”
[True. But wait, couldn’t he just wear gloves?]
“Ferick never imagined he would actually need gloves.”
[I suppose one wouldn’t.]
“Suddenly, Ferick has a brilliant idea. ‘I know! I’ll just buy some gloves!'”
[Isn’t he in enemy territory?]
“However, being ruthless toward their enemy, the ninjas sell him gloves at 1.1 times the market price.”
[That’s actually a very reasonable range.]
“Ferick finally obtains the long-desired gloves.”
[The ‘long-desired’ item should be the scroll, though. Well, at least this will make his exploration go faster.]
“But those gloves… they turned out to be gloves that let electricity pass right through them.”
[That’s subtly cruel. Did they make weird gloves just for that purpose?]
“No, it was so people could use their smartphones while wearing them.”
[They’re surprisingly civilized.]
“Getting fed up, Ferick decides to start kicking the doors open instead.”
[The fact that ‘getting fed up’ is his motivation is just sad.]
“Ferick has now made enemies of all the ninjas in the village.”
[Naturally.]
“I suppose entering with outdoor shoes on was the ultimate taboo.”
[Let’s just go with that.]
“While being pursued by attackers, Ferick finds the map to the cave and heads there while setting the village on fire.”
[Ferick is really good at drawing aggro, isn’t he?]
“Ferick arrives at the cave, but receives a ‘rough’ hand-washing welcome.”
[What is it this time?]
“The hand soap in the portable toilet next to the entrance had been replaced with dish soap.”
[A ‘rough’ welcome for a ‘hand-washing’… stop with the puns!]
“With both hands injured/irritated, Ferick becomes unable to weave ninja signs.”
[Are his hands made of glass?]
“It was the terrifying double trap of repeated static electricity followed by dish soap, you see.”
[Still, he’s too delicate.]
“Ferick proceeds through the cave, defeating the hordes of monsters with a variety of kick techniques.”
[The legwork is good.]
“Along the way, he pockets change from the corpses of the fallen ninjas.”
[His habits are bad.]
“No, no, he was using his feet very skillfully to collect the coins.”
[That’s not what I meant!]
“Ferick finally reaches the deepest part and gets his ‘feet’ on the scroll.”
[So his hands really are unusable.]
“However, the scroll slips right out from under his foot. For some reason, the scroll was covered in oil.”
[Is there still olive oil left over from a hundred years ago?]
“For some reason, I’ve developed a constitution where olive oil just overflows from me.”
[That’s a useless karmic trait from your previous life.]
“Thinking ‘Fine then,’ Ferick endures the pain and grabs it with his hands. But the scroll slips right out of his grip.”
[This olive oil is way too troublesome.]
“Actually, that was just me using the Substitution Jutsu to escape.”
[The string used a Substitution Jutsu? What did you use as a decoy?]
“Olive oil.”
[An unexpected practical use! But why were you trying to run away?]
“Ferick was unnecessarily handsome, so I just felt like it.”
[Well, true, there’s no need for him to be handsome in this story.]
“I said to him: ‘Well done for making it here, Ninja Philip!'”
[You got his name wrong.]
“‘Well done for breaking through the traps I set in the mountains, the village, and the cave!'”
[I thought they were lame traps, but they were your doing?]
“‘My name is the String of the Secret Scroll! I shall not hand this scroll over to you!'”
[Wasn’t he confused?]
“He asked me to repeat myself.”
[I bet.]
“Ferick says: ‘After the Great Cataclysm, the world is in chaos. It is my mission to obtain the secret ninjutsu to save the world. Even if it costs me my life, I cannot give up!'”
[Those don’t sound like the words of a ninja whose spirit almost broke because of static electricity.]
“And so, the final showdown between Ferick and me begins.”
[A final showdown against a piece of string.]
“Both of Ferick’s arms were ruined by my schemes. I am not one to lose to someone who can’t even use his hands.”
[Spoken like a literal piece of string that doesn’t even HAVE hands.]
“Ferick struggles against the rain of olive oil I unleash.”
[Didn’t we see a similar scene with salad oil before?]
“But then, amazingly, he starts using both hands to weave signs!”
[I thought his hands were ruined by static and dish soap… well, I guess he could still try.]
“As it turns out, the olive oil I release contains high moisturizing components. Because of that, his hands were completely healed.”
[Does olive oil really have that kind of effect? I’m not sure…]
※Note: There is olive oil for cosmetic use.)*
“It’s probably because I put a healing effect into my blood and tears.”
[Wait, is your blood actually olive oil?]
“Ferick finally unleashes his specialty: Fire Style Jutsu!”
[Doesn’t that just ignite everything?!]
“It’s fine. Once I saw the Fire Style, I switched to dish soap in no time.”
[So you’re Water-attribute again this time.]
“It became a long battle, but finally, the moment of climax arrived. My movements suddenly became sluggish.”
[I have no idea why, and I don’t think I want to know.]
“The olive oil and dish soap had soaked completely into the scroll.”
[A clean-freak would probably burst into tears seeing that.]
“Seizing that split-second opening, Ferick succeeded in untying me—the string—from the scroll.”
[What a completely underwhelming sight.]
“I let out a death-cry.”
[I actually would have liked to hear that.]
“Well, I didn’t die though. Ferick stood victorious, even while covered from head to toe in olive oil and soap.”
[You mentioned he was handsome. Do you have a photo of that?]
“I do. Look.”
[It’s a handsome guy covered in oil and soap, clutching a piece of string while staring mysteriously into the camera.]
“Since it was a special occasion, we took a commemorative photo.”
[Are you guys friends now? Anyway, I’m confiscating this.]
“Ferick reads the scroll, attempting to learn the Air Conditioning Jutsu, but a problem arises.”
[Let me guess: it’s unreadable because it’s soaked in oil and soap?]
“Ferick couldn’t read Japanese.”
[The drawback of the ‘foreigner’ setting!]
“For the first time, Ferick’s spirit truly breaks.”
[Don’t forget he almost gave up against static electricity in the Ninja Village.]
“I felt bad for him, so being the kind person I am, I deciphered it for him.”
[You’re totally ignoring the fact that you weren’t ‘kind’ enough to just give him the scroll earlier.]
“And so, Ferick learned the Air Conditioning Jutsu and passed it on to the Will of the World. The world’s temperature was then permanently fixed at 18 degrees Celsius.”
[That’s way too cold for the AC!]
“Well, as expected, life as a piece of string lacked a bit of excitement.”
[You set tons of traps in the ninja village and took out so many ninjas, and now you’re talking like this?]
“And calling myself a ‘himo’ (string/moocher) makes me sound like I have no means of support.”
[It’s a perfect fit for what you lack.]
“Whew, report over. I’m tired.”
[How did you even manage to report this while running at 40 kilometers per hour?]
“Which brings us to the usual souvenir time.”
[Is it olive oil this time?]
“No, I can produce that whenever I want now, so it’s not really worth giving as a souvenir.”
[No human should be able to ‘produce’ olive oil…]
“The souvenir is this: Ninja Village-brand gloves that let you use a smartphone.”
[Oh, the ones with the bamboo shoot logo. Well, it’s been getting chilly lately, so I’ll take them
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