“As long as I don’t understand how you can like me without ever having talked to me, I can’t date you.”
…It was a statement that seemed to dislike the very idea of love at first sight.
The senior seemed unable to say anything, clicking his tongue before closing his mouth.
Hanazono bowed slightly and turned on her heel.
“Please keep your idol of me only in your mind, senpai.”
With those parting words, Yuka Hanazono walked away.
Leaving behind the senpai who stood there dumbfounded.
And then.
“Wow. To be able to talk back to that senpai…”
Yuzuha spoke in an admiring voice.
I wonder what Yuzuha felt as she watched Hanazono’s retreating back.
Surely Hanazono had said everything she wanted to say.
In a confession scenario, sometimes being too blunt with one’s feelings can hurt the other person.
But whether it was because the upperclassman had been overbearing, or because I’d seen this scene many times before, I didn’t feel that way.
I had witnessed Remi turn down guys in the same manner countless times.
Probably, I felt the same as Yuzuha.
Even I, who secretly thought it was cool, might be a bit strange.
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After parting with Yuzuha, I chase after her.
“Hanazono!”
My former crush turned around gracefully.
Her smile was so gentle, it made me wonder if what had just happened was all a lie.
“Oh, Yoshi. What’s up?”
“Uh, well…”
There was something I wanted to confirm.
But it’s not something I can put into words right away.
“Hey Hanazono, are you enjoying school?”
“Huh? Why so suddenly?”
Hanazono chuckled softly.
Her response was quite different from earlier.
Her expression was far too normal for someone who had just gone through such an incident.
So, is Hanazono putting on an act now? Is she, like Remi, living each day with an artificial personality driven by some ulterior motive?
Probably not.
Hanazono isn’t putting on an act.
Both the usual Hanazono and the Hanazono from earlier are just different facets of her.
So, I should just talk to the Hanazono in front of me. Yes, as usual.
Hanazono’s eyes crinkled warmly.
“What about you, Yoshi?”
“Me? I’m enjoying it.”
“More than cram school?”
“Yeah. What about you?”
“I guess I’m enjoying it too.”
I silently encourage her to continue.
Hanazono stared at me for a while, then gave a slight wry smile.
“…Maybe the type of enjoyment is different. Here, I have to be mindful of how others see me.”
Perhaps she means there might be cases of love at first sight, like earlier.
Unlike cram school where the sole focus is academic improvement, school also emphasizes interpersonal relationships.
Maybe she’s had similar experiences of people falling for her at first sight in the past.
Otherwise, she wouldn’t have responded like that earlier.
Hanazono tilted her head slightly and asked, “But why?”
“Well… um…”
As I hesitated, Hanazono blinked softly.
“Did you see what happened earlier, by any chance?”
…She figured it out so easily.
As I remained silent, Hanazono furrowed her brows and smiled awkwardly.
“…I see, so you did see it after all. I thought you might have when you came chasing after me.”
Hanazono spoke in her usual tone, without showing any signs of discomfort.
“Yoshi, are you put off by it?”
“No, not at all… If anything, I was glad.”
“…Glad? Ahaha, huh?”
“Sorry if that sounds weird. But you never really talked much about yourself, so I was happy to see a new side of you.”
Hanazono blinked a few times, then burst out laughing.
“You really are strange, Yoshi.”
“Am I?”
“You are. I thought you might dislike me now. I’m aware that I said some harsh things to make sure that senpai would stop hitting on me after today.”
“Th-there’s no way I’d dislike you for that.”
“Why not? If it were me, I’d think I couldn’t trust someone who changes their attitude depending on who they’re with.”
“That depends on the situation. There are things you can’t say in front of friends. Even you feeling awkward now isn’t because you’ve done anything wrong to me personally, right?”
Even I couldn’t tell Remi everything about my middle school days.
The same goes for Hanazono.
“…I see you’re able to separate those things. That’s quite mature of you.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah. But because I don’t have any guilt towards you personally, I’m worried. I wonder if you think I’m a weird person now.”
I tilted my head.
“But Hanazono, you are weird.”
“How cruel!?”
Hanazono’s eyes widened.
I felt like I could see myself reflected in her large eyes.
“I think that’s what’s good about you. People who are hard to pin down are more rewarding to get close to, I feel.”
“Wait, so I’m officially a weird person? I think your reasoning is strange, Yoshi.”
“Well, I’ve told you all sorts of things. Like who I used to like, or how I was actually ostracized in middle school.”
“Yeah.”
“You hardly ever talked about yourself, so I’m the only one whose weaknesses are known. That’s why I have to flatter you a bit.”
“You don’t trust me!? I won’t tell anyone, you know!”
Hanazono hurriedly tries to reassure me.
I know that, but it’s just like Hanazono to put it into words properly.
“Haha, I know. Thanks.”
“…You’re strange, Yoshi.”
Contrary to her words, Hanazono’s smile seemed softer than usual.
“So, did you come to comfort me?”
“Well… yeah, something like that.”
“Oh no, you came to tease me!”
“Wouldn’t it be awkward if I really came to comfort you?”
“Not at all, I would’ve appreciated it!”
Laughing like this, we climb the stairs together.
Somehow, Hanazono’s voice seems warmer than usual.
I catch a glimpse of Yuzuha in the hallway.
Our eyes meet, but she tactfully fades into the classroom.
“Yoshi, have you ever wanted to be in a relationship since what happened in middle school?”
“Well… yeah. I still do, normally.”
“…I see. I wonder why that is.”
Hanazono murmured, heading towards the north building instead of towards our classroom.
Feeling like she implicitly wanted more time for just the two of us, my steps became even lighter.
“It’s hard to say why. I guess relationships are probably fun, right?”
“…I wonder if they are. Being disliked, shunned, losing things. It seems like there are only negative aspects.”
…Hanazono might be similar to me.
I also couldn’t help but seek some reason for Yuzuha’s kindness towards me.
Hanazono too is seeking a reason for relationships.
A value system she can understand herself.
After a moment’s hesitation, I opened my mouth.
“I think… when you bare your heart completely and it’s accepted, there’s an incredible sense of security. Not just in romantic relationships, but also when you become friends with someone, or when a friendship deepens to a new level.”
That’s why being rejected is so painful.
Even if it’s temporary, you feel like your very self is being rejected.
And if everyone starts to dislike you because of it, it’s not an exaggeration to say it feels like being rejected by the whole world.
But for me, Hanazono was there during those tough times.
She affirmed me, joked with me, and we became close enough that I could confide in her, even if it was one-sided.
Before Yuzuha helped me, if Hanazono hadn’t been there, I’m sure I would have stopped going to school and might not have even been able to take the high school entrance exams.
I feel not just affection for Hanazono, but simple gratitude as well.
“Even when we first met, we grew closer from just being text-based friends. That might have been partly because we physically got closer too, but at least for me, that’s how it felt.”
Hanazono listened silently.
Though her eyes were downcast, I could tell she was listening intently.
“I see. So that’s how you felt about it, Yoshi.”
“Is it… different for you?”
I used to think we had a good thing going.
With Hanazono, I still don’t have enough confidence to confirm that.
“It’s not different. I told you, didn’t I? You’re my friend.”
…That’s not what I meant.
Probably the only way to convey my true feelings is to state them clearly.
…I…
“If we’re friends, I feel like we can get closer emotionally even without being in a romantic relationship.”
“But as long as we’re a guy and a girl, isn’t it possible those feelings might develop?”
When I said this, Hanazono stopped walking.
“That’s surprising. Are you of the opinion that friendship between men and women isn’t possible?”
“I’m of the opinion that it’s not possible if one of them has feelings for the other.”
Hanazono replied with a short “Hmm” and continued speaking.
“You’re different, Yoshi. I think I understand you.”
You’re different.
I understand you.
A restraint hidden behind positive words, willing it to be so.
That’s why I need to overcome this if there’s to be any future.
It seems I—
“I’m not different. Even I would be like that towards someone I like.”
This time, Hanazono blinked widely.
“I see. …So that’s how it is.”
“…”
Oh no, I hadn’t thought about what to say next.
“I, I want to talk more with you, Hanazono. Maybe this weekend or something.”
…What am I blurting out? This is practically half a date invitation.
“Sorry, I have plans this weekend.”
“I… I see.”
Rejected so easily.
As a few seconds pass, the shock gradually sets in.
The bell rings, and Hanazono’s body flinches slightly.
“…Shall we go?”
“Y-yeah.”
…I wonder if she figured it out from what I just said.
I had become aware of my own feelings.
Probably, Hanazono sees me as a closer friend than usual.
Yet, I’m not being considered at all romantically.
Even if these feelings are real, there’s no future if I can’t even stand at the starting line for a fresh start.
“Yoshi.”
“Wh-what is it?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship.”
I stop in my tracks involuntarily.
Hanazono shows a faint hint of hesitation for the first time, then turns around and quietly opens her mouth.
“…I just want to be seen for who I am. I wonder if that’s really such a difficult thing.”
I recall her earlier question to the senpai.
“…It’s not difficult. The more time you spend talking with someone, the more your inner selves need to match for you to like them.”
“…I see.”
Hanazono replies briefly. Then, she smiles brightly.
“Then, I’ll hope for someone like that to come along.”
“…Yeah.”
I place a hand on my chest.
I guess I still—
Hanazono returns to the classroom a step ahead of me.
As I watch her retreating figure grow smaller, I quietly exhale.
…Even now.
It seems even now, I want to be with Hanazono.
It doesn’t matter whether these feelings have continued since middle school or if they’ve just reignited.
Almost as soon as I became aware of it, there’s even a possibility that Hanazono has noticed my feelings.
To be honest, I haven’t made any resolutions or anything, but I once prided myself on thinking we had a good thing going.
Last time, I ended up not being able to confess, so if I’m going to experience heartbreak anyway, it might be worth taking the plunge. The fact that I can think this way is revolutionary for me.
As soon as I sit down at my desk, I start typing on my phone, hiding it behind my desk. The recipient is Yuzuha.
Ryo [I’ve decided to make a move on Hanazono!]
As soon as I send it, it’s marked as read.
Yui [Got it! I’ll help you out!]
Yuzuha glances in my direction, then turns back to face the blackboard without making any gestures.
There’s one more person I should ask for help.
That person is—
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