Idle Chatter: Envy
Crunch. The bundle of papers in my grip crumpled mercilessly, the sound echoing through the room.
The once neatly stacked papers, the penholder filled with quills, and the other items on the desk scattered onto the floor from the force of my outburst. The bottle of ink’s lid popped open, staining the pristine white carpet with growing black splotches.
“No… No, this isn’t right. It’s all wrong. Start over, start over, start over, start over–“
I muttered the words countless times, running my hands through my hair in frustration.
How long had I been at this? Writing and discarding letters over and over again, unable to craft a satisfactory message.
My palm was swollen and red from the excessive writing, blood seeping from the abrasions. But still, I continued to labor on without rest.
What do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do–
Impatience, confusion, anxiety, turmoil… envy.
With each passing second, my emotions spiraled further out of control, consumed by jealousy.
A letter to someone dear. I had sent many before. The joy of receiving a reply would brighten my entire day, and meeting in person would fill me with genuine happiness.
I was happy. Content.
Even if it wasn’t a special relationship, it was enough.
It should have been enough.
[–Excuse me, have you seen this person?]
Months ago. An angelic woman looking for someone special.
The sketch she presented was so lifelike it could have been a photograph.
It bore the face of the one I loved.
With my usual customer service smile, I lied and said I hadn’t seen him.
Seeing the woman search for her loved one made me realize just how much she truly loved him. My own lie felt dirty, stabbing at my heart like a needle.
Beautiful, kind, captivating–a heroine straight out of a story.
…Then what about me?
What do I have?
Can I make delicious sweets? Is my confectionery shop thriving?
My popularity only came from using ideas I was taught; my original creations were poorly received.
I have nothing.
No looks, no personality, nothing to be proud of.
There are already more wonderful people around them, and compared to them, I fall short in every way.
“Why…”
I rake my hands through my hair, trying to escape the suffocating pain.
“Why…!”
It’s a meaningless question. A cry of emotions, a selfish question for self-satisfaction.
Why, you ask?
Didn’t you already know?
Words, actions, everything was just a facade of vanity. What did you expect?
Wanting to be liked, not wanting to be disliked, wearing a mask and pretending.
What did I, who never took any initiative, expect?
“I don’t want to be hated… Please, don’t hate me…”
I slump to the floor, clinging to the mirror in the corner of the room. The reflection of myself in the mirror is pitiful and ugly, marred by smeared makeup and thick tear tracks.
The reflection in the mirror answers me, the real me.
[Poor, pathetic Charl. But it’s okay. You can just take it back.]
The me in the mirror smiles casually. It’s me in form and voice, but it’s a different me.
“But… I can’t do it anymore.”
“What are you talking about? You’ve already taken one thing from her.”
“Yes, but…”
“Okay. This is unavoidable. To be happy, it’s inevitable.”
…
Pressing down on my chest. The guilt that never fades since that day, it festers in my heart like a lump.
When I met them, I took his memories.
Someone else’s precious memories. I stole it and replaced them with my own.
I didn’t need to become his lover. If I couldn’t, I just wanted to be by his side in some other capacity.
Selfish, despicable, cunning. Even though I knew all that, I still chose to sacrifice someone else to be with him.
But now, he’ve figured it out. The dream shattered, leaving only discomfort and suspicion. If he find out, he’ll never forgive me.
There’s no one else for me but him. In this world of vanity and lies, he’s the only one who sees me.
“No, no… don’t hate me… I don’t want that…”
“Charl.”
Rejected. Despised. Knowing the dirty, cunning me, they’ll look down on me.
No, no, no, no, no–
“Charl, calm down.”
My voice in the mirror. Unlike my frantic self, it’s calm and gentle, soothing my frantic heart with its reason.
“Leave it to me. If you do, Charl will be happy.”
“…Really? You won’t hate me?”
“Yes. Because all you need to do is take everything. Just like before, you’ll just be “jealous,” right?”
Jealousy.
It’s simple. Their face, their personality, their skills… everything about the women surrounding them is enviable.
I want it. I want to be loved. I want to be desired.
I lift my lowered face. The corners of my mouth, reflected in the mirror, are slightly raised.
“Jirei-kun… I love you.”
Loving and loving and loving. Layering lies upon lies upon lies.
“Only look at me.”
If I do that, surely, everything will work out.
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READ THE ORIGINAL TRANSLATION AT GADGETIZEDPANDA.COM
Afterword
How was the fourth volume of “[D-level Adventurer]”?
This volume had a lot of serious moments. I hope you enjoyed them.
Because I tend to empathize with the characters a lot, I always write with a face that looks like I’m about to die, especially in the serious parts, but this volume was particularly serious and I almost quit writing… but as a result, the epilogue was released and was 90% comedy, so it was really fun.
Now, for the acknowledgments. To the editorial staff who took care of me even though I caused trouble many times, to Riichu-sensei who colors this work with wonderful illustrations, to everyone involved in the publication, and most of all, to all the readers who have supported me up to this volume, I deeply appreciate it.
I was able to publish up to the fourth volume thanks to the support and cooperation of many people.
Posting this work on the web and turning it into a book, there were many times when I was overwhelmed by pressure and didn’t know what to do. Nevertheless, the fact that I, who is easily bored and lazy, was able to continue this far is solely thanks to everyone’s support.
In order to return even a little bit of gratitude, I will continue to work harder as a writer in the future!
TLNOTE: “It’s been 3 years since Volume 4 of this series was released. I had almost lost hope for a continuation. If you find any news about future volumes of this novel, please leave a comment below.”
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