The Third Aged Moldy Smoked Cheese Lewd Tale Battle
Today we were blessed with high temperatures that felt like summer had come early.
Actually, saying “blessed” might be misleading. When summer suddenly arrives while you’re still wearing long sleeves, few people are happy about it. Looking at the streets, many people seemed fed up with the unseasonably hot weather.
What I hate most about it is how food goes bad.
Meat and fish spoil easily. So does bread. Things that usually last a bit longer become just slightly more prone to spoiling. It might seem like a trivial change, but in this world without household refrigerators, it’s actually no laughing matter.
Merchants who would normally be able to transport ingredients to neighboring towns had to reluctantly give up and sell them off cheap in Legol instead. At the outdoor cooking areas, many people were making dishes in bulk with ingredients that were about to spoil or had been marked down, or making smoked foods.
I don’t want to spend ages cooking in this damn heat… but I guess some people don’t have much choice.
Anyway, maybe because of the heat, there were a lot of people hanging out at the guild today.
The guild is a stable building that’s cool in summer and warm in winter. On days like today, it’s pretty comfortable. The food and drink are expensive, but you can’t put a price on staying cool.
“So when you’re drawing, you need to bring the bow closer—”
“Mongrel-senpai, you’re just bringing your face closer. You need to bring the bow to your body side. Your arm should be straight relative to your body.”
“Straight relative to which part of the body…”
“Maybe older guys just get worse at learning new things…”
“Hey now, those words are sharp enough to kill a man.”
I was drinking slightly cold ale while learning archery from Raina and Ulrika.
Today the guild apparently bought a large block of ice from the icehouse, and they were using it to stay cool while offering drinks with a modest amount of ice to those willing to pay extra.
Ale with ice in it just gets watered down, but as someone whose soul is steeped in the deliciousness of cold beer, I couldn’t help but buy it.
“But quivers sure are expensive. I thought they’d be cheaper since they’re just tubes. Still can’t afford one.”
“They’re important equipment for quickly drawing arrows. If you’re particular about it, they get even more expensive, you know?”
“But there’s a wide range of prices.”
“Maybe I’ll make one myself out of leather.”
I have decent leatherworking skills. If I understand the basic construction, making one myself wouldn’t be bad. It’d be cheaper too.
While I was thinking about this, the guild entrance opened and a large group came in.
I could tell at a glance by the large figure of their leader.
It was the members of “Sword of Harvest” led by Dick Vault.
But something seemed off.
Dick Vault, who was usually taciturn and expressionless, looked quite haggard.
The unease I felt seemed to have spread to other guild members as well, creating a somewhat turbulent atmosphere.
“Hey hey, what’s wrong? Dick Vault-san looks pretty rough.”
“What happened?”
“…Dick Vault-san had his gold plate stolen by a prostitute and got mixed up with the guards.”
“Huh? A prostitute stole from a client while he was sleeping?”
“Seriously…”
When I heard the details, apparently Dick Vault had been robbed at the brothel where he’d stayed until this morning.
What was stolen was Dick Vault’s gold rank plate. The culprit was the prostitute who had been in the same room, servicing Dick Vault. When Dick Vault woke up, she had disappeared, but she was caught before too much time had passed.
The motive was probably to sell the gold plate. The brothel where the caught prostitute worked was a cheap establishment, a place where women who couldn’t earn much gathered.
She was probably planning to take the money and flee somewhere. Still, it seems like a sloppy crime.
But this crime has a major pitfall.
“…Mongrel-senpai, gold plates aren’t actually made of gold, right?”
“Right. It’s brass.”
“I heard they used to be real gold though…”
The gold rank plate the prostitute stole. It certainly looks golden, but it’s made of brass, not gold.
The reasons include durability and cost, but most importantly, wearing a lump of gold would invite unnecessary crime. It’s famous that silver plates have the highest manufacturing cost among guild rank plates.
This is common knowledge for guild members. It’s not exactly a secret from ordinary people either.
Still, there was an unfortunate woman who had lived without knowing such obvious facts.
“What a stupid prostitute.”
“To steal from Dick Vault-san of all people… unforgivable. Which establishment was it? Let’s shut it down.”
“She should become a plaything for criminal slaves.”
Honestly, I’m a guild member too, so I understand the feelings of these angry guys. I can’t forgive someone who steals from customers.
But… as expected, when I imagine the background of the prostitute who committed the crime, I feel more despair than anger.
Even if that prostitute were right in front of me, I wouldn’t feel like throwing stones at her.
“Cheer up, leader…”
“—It’s my fault… I was careless with managing my belongings…”
“That’s not true…”
“If I had been more careful… this sad incident wouldn’t have happened at all…”
Dick Vault seems to think it’s his fault that the prostitute was driven to crime.
Of course, the person who did it is wrong, and I think Dick Vault understands that too… but he probably can’t bring himself to blame the prostitute. He’s a kind man.
“It’s… kind of pitiful.”
“He’s really down…”
“Well, he’ll cheer up if he drinks and makes some noise.”
This is when strong liquor should come in handy, but whiskey still isn’t circulating. You’re really slow, Count Legol… Use all the rice seedlings you’re planting this year to mass-produce whiskey.
“Damn, it’s bad if the leader doesn’t recover like this… In that case, we have no choice but to forcibly liven things up with lewd topics…!”
“Are you doing it, Chuck…!? But will that really restore Dick Vault-san’s mood…!”
“—Lewd… topics… you say…?”
“! He reacted… this might work!”
“Leave it to me, Dick Vault-san! I’ll get some fresh dirty jokes for you…!”
“Ah, I came to the guild precisely for that treatment…! You bastards, are you ready?!”
Hey hey, looks like something’s about to start.
I definitely recognize this familiar surge of excitement, like the night of a school trip… no doubt about it…!
“The third… Aged Moldy Smoked Cheese Lewd Talk Battle begins!”
“YEAAHHHHH!”
“Leave the dirty talk to me!” “It’s burning!”
“What was that?!”
Here comes another lewd talk battle! You guys, seriously… just because Dick Vault’s here, look around a bit more!
There are even Young Wand members here today!
“Here they go again…”
“…I wonder if Mongrel-san will participate this time too…”
“Seriously, Mongrel-senpai?”
“…Cold ale. Yes, cold ale, that’s what today’s is. If there’s one thing missing from it… wouldn’t it have to be aged moldy smoked cheese?”
“That’s too specific, I don’t get it.”
Moldy cheese itself is rare. It’s a smelly cheese, but it goes great with alcohol. Even just that would be delicious, but to smoke it too… it’s like combining something strong with something strong.
But if it’s moldy cheese, I’d want to eat it plain without smoking it.
“This aged moldy smoked cheese… is special cheese I got from Grandma Barome! It’s invincible cheese with the fragrant aroma of being smoked with fruit tree twigs! And for such high-class cheese… participants get one piece, and the winner gets three whole pieces!”
“Whoo!”
“Nice!”
“As expected of Chuck! Popular with the grannies!”
“Shut up!”
Seriously? Even smoked, that sounds delicious… I can’t just sit here. Even if I have to trample on male dignity, I’ll claim that cheese…!
“Again, Mongrel-senpai… that kind of perverted stuff isn’t really… Ulrika-senpai? What’s wrong?”
“Huh? Oh, nothing. What’s up?”
“You seemed spaced out…”
“No no, nothing like that. More importantly, let’s cheer for Mongrel-san! If he wins, maybe he’ll share some cheese with us?”
“Hmm, I’m tired of eating cheese…”
“How luxurious…”
The self-proclaimed perverted men gathered in the center, while the female guild members who looked at them with disgust moved to tables at the edges.
That’s right, that’s how it should be. This is about to become a battlefield. Women and children should go home.
“—I, Dick Vault, will serve as judge… Release all your accumulated wisdom and vitality.”
“WOOOOO!”
“Dick Vault-san is already getting energetic, but let’s do this!”
“The cheese is mine!”
And so another battle by filthy men began…!
“I’ll take the first move! ‘Girls from allied countries have sensitive ears’!”
“Guh…!?”
“Seriously?! This might be decided already! This is a tough situation for Brian!”
“—No, truth unconfirmed! At least in my experience… within the margin of error! No effective hit!”
“What…!? So that was just acting for me…!?”
“Here’s my chance! Here I go! ‘Girls actually don’t feel that good when you squeeze their breasts hard’!”
“—Winner, Brian!”
“Gwaaaaah!? All my techniques were just illusions!”
“—A woman who kindly deceives a man… that too is a sweet dream of one night… a woman’s skill…”
“Here you go, three pieces for the winner Brian.”
“Yeah!”
The battlefield was heating up.
Winners get drunk on fine wine, losers hang their heads and sadly nibble cheese… well, they’re eating something delicious either way, just different amounts.
These guys get really depressed just from losing…
“Is Alex participating again this time?”
“My vice-leader told me to go win some cheese… Are you too, Mongrel-san?”
“It’s delicious-looking cheese, so I might as well win easily and get extra.”
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“You’re confident…”
“Of course I don’t plan to lose. I have knowledge inherited from the sage.”
“That sounds suspicious…”
“Hey Mongrel-san… I can’t let that slide… ‘Win easily,’ you say…? That’s an insult implying your match with me will be a cakewalk!”
Chuck’s picking a fight with me again.
“Well, it’s not decided that I’ll face you.”
“I decided! Host privilege!”
“It’s Chuck’s revenge match!”
“The third battle! Will Chuck finally win this time!? Or will Mongrel’s winning streak continue…!?”
Hey hey, am I being treated like the heel? Chuck’s obviously got more of a heel face.
“—Mongrel… work your way up here. To the heights where I stand—”
“No thanks…”
“No arguments! Here’s my first move!”
“There it is! Chuck-san’s host privilege initiative!”
Damn, he took the first move again.
Well, I’ve won even when he goes first, so it doesn’t really matter.
“Kukuku… Since I got beaten with male topics the last two times, I have no choice but to clear my dishonor on the same battlefield…! Take this! Men can… feel it in their ‘balls’ too…!”
“Ooh! Seriously?!”
“Not just painful?!”
“There’s more… additional attack!”
Additional attack!? That’s a thing!?
“And also… ‘men can feel it in their thighs’ too!”
“In their thighs!? Just legs…!?”
“Isn’t Chuck-san just making stuff up… what’s the judgment…!?”
“—Effective! Two-hit combo!”
“Ohhh it connected!”
Two-hit combo!? Are there combo concepts and stuff like that!?
Damn, I still can’t see the full scope of the battle rules…!
“Even the great Mongrel will have trouble with this… hehehe… this is information I got from a skilled prostitute lady!”
“…This is decided.”
“To reverse this situation, you’d need to be at least Dick Vault-san’s level…”
The gallery is already giving off an atmosphere like the match is decided.
Hey hey… I was certainly surprised by the combo system, but…
“…Who said anything about surrendering?”
“!? This guy still has fighting spirit…!”
“Chuck… you’ve suffered two defeats to me. Yet you challenged me a third time… as weak as before.”
“What!? What are you…!”
“I’m sick of you… Two-hit combo? You think you can beat me with just that pathetic little punch? Don’t make me laugh…”
“It’s, it’s a bluff! This time, I won…”
“Then I’ll double down.”
“…!?”
The atmosphere shifts with a rustle.
“If you’re going to bark about beating me… then bet on it… cheese, ‘6 pieces’…!”
“What…!”
“This guy seriously plans to beat Chuck-san…!?”
“I don’t know… this perverted battle is moving at speeds we can’t follow with our eyes…!”
“Well, I’m not asking you to increase the cheese for free. If I lose, I don’t need a single piece of cheese. I’ll even bet silver coins if you want…”
“Mongrel-san? I’d prefer if you didn’t openly gamble with cash in the guild.”
“Ah, Milene-san, sorry… then let’s just stick to cheese…”
“That’s fine then.”
Phew, I almost got seriously angry with Milene-san.
“Tch… fine! 6 pieces of cheese! Now that I think about it, that’s not such a big bet! I’ll take that wager!”
“Ohhh! Chuck-san took the double-or-nothing bet!”
“But since it’s not cash, it’s not that exciting!”
“Get hyped up anyway!”
“Come on… Mongrel! I’m not afraid of you!”
Phew, looks like Chuck’s made up his mind.
He barks well. In honor of that bravery… I’ll bring down the curtain without any mercy.
“‘Mouth, ears, nape of neck’…”
“…!?”
“‘Armpits, nipples, back’…”
“Wh, what the hell! What are you…!?”
“—Ngh! This is…!”
You noticed, Dick Vault. But it’s too late.
“‘Navel, groin, perineum, anus, inner thighs, knees, toes’… phew, well, that’s about it for now.”
“Wh, what’s this guy doing! Just rattling off body parts like that…!”
“…Still talking, Chuck?”
“What…! No, it can’t be!”
“What I just listed are… ‘all male erogenous zones’.”
“Abeshi!”
At that moment, Chuck was blown back nearly 3 meters and collapsed on the floor.
Poor bastard. He didn’t even realize he was already dead…
“—Winner, Mongrel!”
“Ch, Chuck!”
“Seriously?! Men can feel that much too?!”
“I didn’t know… even though it’s my own body…!”
“—Indeed. But there is no way to ‘awaken’ these except by consciously touching them to heighten sensitivity… but they certainly exist… well done, Mongrel.”
“Heh, heh… there are still so many more…”
“Someone get Chuck some smelling salts!”
“Will alcohol work?!”
“Yeah, please! Chuck, wake up…!”
“Glub glub glub…”
Fool. This is what happens when you oppose me.
I’ll take the cheese, thanks Chuck. Hahaha.
“—As expected, Mongrel. I never imagined you were so well-versed in the male body… could it be that you, like me, frequent such establishments…?”
“No, I heard this from a perverted evangelist I met on the road.”
“The perverted evangelist again!”
“I looked but couldn’t find any perverted evangelist!”
“To think there was such a perverted evangelist in the wild…”
“Wait, didn’t Dick Vault-san just say something dangerous…?”
“Pretend you didn’t hear it… it would interfere with missions…!”
And so I snatched 6 pieces of high-class cheese and returned to my table.
“…Mongrel-senpai, you really do like perverted talk.”
“Well, it’s not that I like it… I just know about it. Here you two, more importantly than that, have some cheese.”
“Yay!”
“Ulrika, you eat some too. Ah, my ale got warm…!”
“Ah, yeah… thank you…”
“Damn, warm ale with this delicious cheese… no wait, this is totally fine…”
That day, while being looked at with disgust by my junior from Artemis and the girls from Young Wand, I savored the umami of moldy cheese that I usually can’t taste.
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