The Fourth Aged Ham and Candy Lewd Talk Battle
The meat from the hind legs of a Crazy Boar combines melting fat with reasonably decent red meat, making it extremely delicious. The front legs are mediocre.
In Legol, Charge Deer materials are expensive and prized, but personally, I think the meat from boar is much better.
But since autumn is the season when game meat grows from the forest, you get tired of eating it.
I mean, it’s delicious. But when you eat too much of it, there’s inevitably a limit.
So I’m always seeking new ways to eat it.
No, it doesn’t even have to be new. If I can cook it in a way I know is delicious, that’s fine.
For that, I’ll bow my head as much as needed.
“Margot-san… please make ham with this hind leg meat!”
“No way!!!”
However, bowing one’s head doesn’t always guarantee results.
Especially when dealing with a thoroughly twisted old hag. This stubborn old bat.
“…Come on, please, Margot-san. I got a good-sized boar leg from Baroa Forest. It’s fresh and without any wounds. It’s at its most delicious time, right? If you make ham with this, it’ll definitely be delicious.”
“There’s no ham to give to a man with Sunglaire blood mixed in!”
“Hey now, I’m not asking you to do it for free. I’ll pay properly. Of course, I’ll pay double, no, triple. So please try making it. Right?”
“Shut up, mongrel! I’ve told you many times! I don’t sell things to people I don’t like!”
“What exactly don’t you like about me, Margot-san!”
“The way you’re like an old geezer wearing a young man’s face! When I listen to you talk, it reminds me of my dead husband! Ugh, disgusting, disgusting!”
T-this, this old hag… letting her say whatever she wants…
Sure, my mental age might be double my physical age, but… that’s not you hitting the essence of who I am or anything like that—you just have a foul mouth toward all sorts of people in general!
“Argh, what a waste of breath! I’ve never heard of a butcher who won’t sell meat!”
“Get lost, you young-looking geezer!”
“I’m not a geezer, I’m still 30, you damn hag!”
“I’m still a youthful 66 myself!”
That’s plenty old enough!
Damn it, arguing with an old woman is just pointless. I need to do something with this Crazy Boar leg meat before it rots…
“Yo~ Margot-baasan! I’m here~!”
Just as I was heading toward the exit, Chuck came in, passing me by.
He entered carrying a paper bag. Hmm, what’s he planning to buy?
“Oh my, if it isn’t Chuck~. Welcome!”
“Yeah, I’m here~! Look, this is the pickle I mentioned before. Margot-baasan, you said you liked this sourness, right~?”
“Oh my! Thank you, Chuck! That’s right, that shop makes the best pickles!”
Huh? Somehow Margot-baasan’s reaction to Chuck is completely different from how she treats me?
“Oh right, Chuck! Take this ham with you!”
“Eh~? I just came to buy Margot-baasan’s herb sausages~?”
“It’s fine! Here, take this! The sausages are over here! I’ll take the payment for those!”
“Hey hey, is it really okay to just pay for the sausages? Well then, I’ll gratefully accept it~! Thanks, Margot-baasan!”
“Come again!”
Yeah, yeah.
The old woman and… her grandson… It feels like such a heartwarming exchange.
“Oh? What’s this, isn’t it Mongrel… What’s wrong?”
But having such a heartfull story shown to me right in front of my face…
“Let’s go to the guild… It’s been a while… but I’m really pissed off…”
“…Hah?”
This is unforgivable…!
“Listen up, you guys! Chuck here got a whole aged ham from Margot-baasan right in front of me! What do you think!?”
I roared upon arriving at the guild, still holding the raw boar meat in one hand.
Chuck has ham, but… why am I the only one with just raw meat…!
“…I see”
“Well, it’s Chuck after all”
“Something like ‘good for him’?”
“Something like ‘lucky you…’?”
“‘Sup”
However, my argument isn’t getting through.
“Every damn one of you acting morally superior! I asked that wrong! No wait, what I wanted to say is pretty much the same! I hate Chuck!”
“Hey now, Mongrel… you’ve been going on about jealousy. Are you envious that I got ham from Margot-baasan?”
“Grrrrr… what’s… what’s the difference between me and you…!”
“Hell if I know. Somehow Margot-baasan likes me.”
This natural senior-killer…!
Maybe if I ask through Chuck next time, she’ll make ham for me…?
Well, putting aside such schemes, right now I hate Chuck!
“Fight me, Chuck! If I win… give me three slices of that ham!”
“Why the hell should I have to give anything to Mongrel~! That’s a bet where only I lose~!”
“Uh, then if Chuck wins, I’ll give you this. Ken-san’s herb-flavored candy. It’s pretty good.”
“Hmm…”
“Three pieces.”
“…Then let’s have a match!? Since I got aged ham from Margot-baasan!”
When Chuck held up the ham log, the guild suddenly became lively.
It’s Margot-baasan’s ham, famous for being delicious. If they could enjoy it with alcohol, it’s no wonder the guild got excited.
“Are you doing it after so long!?”
“Are you starting, Chuck! Mongrel!”
“Don’t drag me into being the host!”
“This time you’re undeniably the host too!”
“Whatever! The fourth Aged ham lewd talk Battle… begins!”
“Yeahhhhhhh!”
“I thought you wouldn’t do it in autumn since you didn’t do it in summer!”
“Hell yeah!”
“Who was that just now!”
We didn’t do it in summer due to Sunglaire’s invasion and various other things, but somehow we managed to safely start the lewd talk battle this autumn…!
“—Hmm, then both of you… may I consider this mutual consent?”
“Dick Vault-san!?”
“Where on earth did you come from!?”
“Dick Vault-san appears from nowhere whenever there’s lewd talk…!”
“—I, Dick Vault, shall serve as the judge… The white-hot thoughts you’ve been storing up for half a year, let them all out in today’s battle—!”
The stable Dick Vault is the judge. Rather, I feel like the lewd talk battle wouldn’t work without this guy. Thank goodness he’s here.
“Yahoo! Chuck doesn’t even need to come out! I’ll take first blood!”
“Hold on! Your opponent is me!”
So when the battle actually began, challengers gathered and started matching up on their own, ignoring me and Chuck. Well, it’s fine that it’s lively, but… what is it with this vigorous fighting spirit toward perverted battles every time?
For us, since we came to the guild, we wanted to drink some ale anyway, so it’s fine…
“Pervert stuff again, Mongrel-senpai?”
“Can’t help it, Raina. Margot-baasan wouldn’t sell me ham.”
“…Ah, Margot-san is the person you mentioned before?”
“Yeah. She only sells meat to people she likes. Even though I bowed my head. She wouldn’t sell to me but gave it to Chuck for free. You can understand wanting to take it, right?”
“I don’t think it’s worth taking…”
“Ahaha…”
For now, I sat at the table with Raina and Ulrika and drank ale.
In the center of the tavern where the lewd talk battle was unfolding, defeated participants were being blown away while winners danced with ham wrapped around their foreheads—quite a low-IQ spectacle.
It’s incomprehensible that these guys survived the war with this kind of attitude.
“Do you two want some ham too? I’ll bring some if I win.”
“Really? I’d like some.”
“Uh… I’m fine. Mongrel-san can fight and eat as much as he likes, right?”
Only the drinker Raina wants it. Ulrika doesn’t drink much alcohol.
“If Ulrika-senpai isn’t eating it, then give it to me…”
“No, I’ll eat it fairly.”
“Aww!”
“Even so, I’ve sacrificed various things to enter this battle… If you don’t like it, you can participate in the perverted battle yourself, Raina.”
“No… I don’t know about perverted stuff…”
Raina is dejected.
It’s fine, Raina, stay that way. Actually, stay like that forever. The price for getting ham is way too high.
“Besides, Mongrel-senpai, saying that kind of stuff to people like me and Ulrika-senpai who don’t know about perverted things is bad. You seem like a pervert.”
“Eh, ah, yeah, you’re right…”
“The ‘Artemis’ members are so uptight. Well, I don’t want to sexually harass anyone anyway.”
“Sexual haras…?”
While saying such things, another person got blown away and another match was decided.
The winner receives glory and three slices of ham, while the loser receives humiliation and only one slice of ham… Well, it’s a considerate battle since you get some whether you win or lose.
“Now it’s finally our turn, Mongrel! Come on! Stop having fun with the ‘Artemis’ girls and come fight!”
“Fine… I’ll deliver the finishing blow to you again this time, Chuck…!”
I drained a mug of ale for encouragement and stepped forward.
Against my opponent Chuck, I have a perfect record. Honestly, I don’t feel like I’ll lose… but Chuck, who’s been losing every time, was laughing.
“Kukuku… Mongrel-san. I haven’t spent these past six months idly… I’ve acquired the perfect perverted knowledge to beat you…!”
“Oh…? That sounds interesting… Fine, I’ll give you the first move again this time too. I’m looking forward to crushing you afterward.”
“I’ll make you regret it! First, my turn!”
Chuck jumped onto the table again. That’s bad manners!
“Listen up…! The girls at the new brothel ‘Desert Beauty Pavilion’ are… all from the Allied Nations! Their pre-bedtime dancing is also kind of sexy and nice!”
“—Ooh! This is!”
New establishment information!? And from the Allied Nations!?
Plus dancing… sounds like a high-class place…
“There’s more! ‘It’s not just any dance… if you throw coins while they’re dancing, they’ll strip for you’!”
“—Effective!”
“There it is! Dick Vault-san’s effective judgment!”
“New establishment info… and it’s a ‘high-class establishment’ type. He landed it properly…”
“Even Mongrel, beloved by the perverted evangelist, is at a disadvantage here…”
Hey wait. What’s this about being beloved by the perverted evangelist?
The perverted evangelist is a universal existence. It doesn’t show favoritism to individuals. No, that’s not the point.
“Hehehe… information from a new establishment I went to by spending my conscription bonus~…! Mongrel, who only knows male perverted information, you can’t compete with this…!”
Chuck laughs smugly. He seems pretty confident.
…Ah, he doesn’t know, does he.
“Listen Chuck. I… ‘know perverted information about non-males too’?”
“What…!”
“Mongrel, that guy knows about non-males too!?”
“Impossible…! There’s never been any such data until now…!”
I don’t know why, but I’ve only been giving out male perverted information based on the flow so far…
I’ve got knowledge about females and stuff that’s common to both sexes too, you know.
“L-lies… that can’t be…!”
“Know your powerlessness… When a girl has a man’s thing in her mouth, depending on the spot, even she can feel a bit of pleasure.”
“Wh-what!?”
“Impossible, just from holding it!?”
“Dick Vault-san, what’s the judgment…!?”
“…—Effective!”
“Guh…!”
“It landed!”
Chuck staggered. Hmph, so it wasn’t a one-hit KO.
I guess it shows he hasn’t spent these past six months idly surviving on the battlefield.
In that case.
“Here’s an additional attack…!”
“Wh-what…!?”
“The source of the pleasure is that rough patch on the roof of the mouth… With enough practice, some can actually ‘climax’ just from that!”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Hey you guys, don’t go silent! Don’t check inside your mouths with your tongues, it’s gross! Do that at home!”
“Hahahaha? We’re not checking!”
“Who’s got evidence that we were examining our mouth rough patch?”
“That’s right!”
“Huh? Who was that just now?”
Damn disgusting bastards… Now then.
“Come on Dick Vault, make your judgment. That’s… what kindness toward Chuck looks like.”
“Ha, ha, hah…! Such, such…!”
“—Ngh…! —Winner, Mongrel!”
“Impossible!”
Chuck was blown back about 5 meters and collapsed on the floor, taking chairs with him.
…Well, this time was close. You’ve gotten stronger, Chuck. I was a little interested too. “Desert Beauty Pavilion”…
“—The mouth’s sensitive zones are a crucial point in intimacy and in setting the mood… For both men and women, training this sensitivity can raise the satisfaction of the entire act—! The fact that it works not only with kissing, but also with… well, putting something in the mouth, is truly remarkable!”
“H-huh… j-just from putting it in the mouth…?”
“S-seriously!?”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“I told you guys not to check inside your mouths!”
It’s creepy how everyone goes quiet with serious faces from time to time.
Please do it at home, seriously.
“—However, this is also an erogenous zone common to both sexes… Or perhaps, Mongrel, you too are the same as me—?”
“No, I heard it from a passing perverted evangelist.”
“There’s the perverted evangelist again!”
“So who is this perverted evangelist!?”
“Everyone’s been searching for him all the way to the royal capital but can’t find him!”
“How should I know? If you live long enough, you’ll probably meet him eventually… Well, whatever. I’ll take three slices of this ham as promised.”
I threw one herb-flavored candy at Chuck, who was sprawled on the floor, and returned to the table where Raina and the others were.
“Thanks, senpai!”
“Yeah, just one slice though. Eat up. Ulrika, you said you didn’t want any? Are you sure?”
“…”
“Ulrika? What’s wrong, staying quiet?”
“Eh? Oh, ah, no, it’s nothing. I don’t need any, you two eat.”
“I see. Then I’ll give you this herb candy instead.”
“Ah… y-yeah, thank you. I’ll take it.”
With that, Ulrika put the candy in her mouth and quietly savored it.
“Does candy go well with alcohol?”
“It apparently goes surprisingly well. Especially with whiskey.”
“Really? I’d like to try it…”
“Well, I think meat is the best.”
Today I failed to get Margot-baasan to make ham for me, but I managed to secure enough ham for one meal.
Well, even delicious food gets boring if you eat too much of it… for enjoying good food, this modest amount might be just right.
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